its been an O.K day, no work, just been lurking quietly around the house making jewelry for my project. It got to about 5pm when i needed to get out! so i went to the gym for an hour, came back and went out for my alpha evening course. my good friend sat next to me, it felt good her being there because she's loud and bubbly – i can feed off her vibes when she's close if that makes sense?!
anyway get to the point naomi..!
My good friend gave me a lift home this evening – she cut the engine when we reached my house and talked for a while. I regret telling her this now of course. i explained my urges – and how much paracetamol im taking, doctors blood tests, cutting, mums post natal depression, everything, i trusted her. i thought everything was fine, but i got half way through watching my fave episode of waterloo road on my computer in bed when my mum came in "your friend just called me" "we have to talk,NOW!"
i froze, completely numbed, shock, fear, anger, rage. in fact i don't think i've ever felt such a mixture of emotions in such a short space of time. She started to explain what i'd already told my friend, i couldn't believe it! my deepest secrets were coming out of my mothers mouth. i felt so ashamed and selfish when she asked if i felt unloved, because she was sat next to me on my bed crying, trying to express how much she loves me..I told her that it hurt to hear she didn't love me as a child, and i'm struggling to take it in when she tells me she loves me now.. i don't know how to change this. i guess i'm impatient, people tell me it will come with time. urgh. i was hoping to get an early night tonight, but oh NO. i have a 14 hour shift starting in 5 hours,, and i feel like SH*T!!
totally drained, my eyes are dry of tears now , my stomache is cramped and my breath is still shaky, but i'm safe tonight…
my friend has my paracetamol, my mum has hidden the paracetamol that was in the bathroom, and mum knows a little more about me.
I wish i could stay angry at my friend, but i can't, i love her and she kept explaining it will be worth it in the long run. :'(
i hope she's blooody right. i don't think i can fight this on my own anymore.