Yesterday was a horrible day. One of the worse I've ever had.
I visited a friend that has been helping me a bit recently, a middle aged woman who has her own troubles and who we generally get along with well.
She was going to the job centre where she had an appointment and I decided that I'd leave with her and walk back to my house.
She then said that she just said she was going to the jobcentre as a lie to get away from her housemate.
She then convinced me to go to a Thai restaurant with her, where we ended eating a fair amount and drinking quite a lot despite the fact that I was very worried about how she was going to afford it, because I couldn't afford to contribute at all.
It then came to the bill and her card was rejected. So I went to a hole in the wall to check her account and take out all that was in mine. She had £2 in her account, the bill was £150 and I had £50 in mine.
I freaked out… I went back and she said that we should run, I said that I couldn't do it.
But then I just got up and left, I ran away by myself and left her there.
I felt terrified and scared and horribly guilty. I took all of the valium that the doctor gave me the other day, 12mg, but it did absolutely nothing. I got home and received txts from her housemate saying how aweful I was and how I completely screwed up, all I said back was "see you never again".
I then called my Mum and said somehting, I can't quite remember what but she was terrified. Then I took a knife and tried to shove it into my wrist where I kow an arterry resides, but I couldn't do it, I didn't press hard enough for it to go in, I was too scared
I then took the knife and walked as far away as I could from my house, I ended up in a field where I layed down and tried to go to sleep. I briefly fell asleep, but woke up about an hour later and realised that I can't run away like that, I was too scared again. So I walked home and got back in about 3 in the morning. There where 5 missed calls from my Mum, one of my closest friends here and a housemate.
This morning I txted this woman and said that I'm so so sorry and that I hope I could repay her at some point, some how.
I feel so bad, I've really fucked up this time.
She was one of my friends mothers from my home town Suffolk, and this friend asked me to look after his Mum. I couldn't have screwed up more.
The thing was that she persuaded me to go kind of as a treat as she knew how down I've been feeling recently. So a small part of me feels angry at her for convincing me to go.
But mostly I just wish I had the guts to kill myself, every part of my life has screwed up and I just don't want to exist anymore.
My Mum is coming to pick me up at about mid day today. I've managed to get out of bed and get some cereal and a cup of tea.
My housemate just came downstairs and I told him what happened, he was very supportive.
I guess that I will get through this in the end, I just can't beleive how much more fucked up it got.