Today, Mostly running errands….Everything was SO crowded today though, since everyone is getting ready as well and what not.
But that did not help my situation at all.
The whole time We were out, I had my Ipod blasting and drowning everything and one else, my head down staring at my feet as I walked, because I couldn't even risk looking anyone in the eye.
And I was just fighting off several panic attacks, I know some have said to just enjoy this time with the family, since it's the holiday's and what not,
But it's not working for me, I've been trying and just keep failing.
When we were at the grocery store, I had to pick out things I can 'eat' for Thanksgiving, and I had to pick some things or they'd notice. (maybe)
so, I picked somethings so in case I HAVE to eat on thanksgiving it wouldn't be hard to purge..
I know what you're gonna say- and I know that purging food and not eating isn't good, Don't you think I know that? But I've had the eating disorder for so long now,
It's a cycle I can't break…at least not yet (which this also adds to my anxiety every time.)
Anyway, so today was just really stressful and we didn't get home until about an hour ago.
Mom and dad though got into another fight, Something about driving information and why it wasn't in the car or whatever. and again things escalated, now things have alot of tension but they yelling has stopped.
In alittle bit my mom wants me and my brother to help her start making the Turkey or whatever, but just being around any food -be it meat or nonmeat- makes me want to stab it, burn it, and just destroy it…I have this notebook with some pictures of myself, then my friends…
I know I shouldn't have a notebook like that, but it points out every flaw I have, and how perfect my friends are compared to me. I hate always feeling like crap, always getting anxiety attacks over the SMALLEST of things.
Then tomorrow were going out to eat with my Aunt, my uncle, and grandmother (on mom side) since we'll be over at Marie's Thursday.
I can't even form all emotions into words right now, I'm just trying not to snap and crawl to cutting or purging or popping Xanax like I normally do…I don't know if i'm strong enough NOT to though…
Well…I think i'm gonna get off for awhile…I just can't deal with this right now. But I hope everyone else in the tribe is having a good night..'see' you later…