…..So…it's been awhile but like always time has gotten away from me and I just couldn't bring myself to update my blog entry.

Also, I'm not sure if I told anyone in the tribe about this, but last week I ran away from home, after a HUGE fight with my mother, and my father being no help at all. I just snapped, and waited for the 'family' to be asleep.

Afterwards I packed my bags and left, obviously not knowing were to go. anyway, long-story-short, they found me after three days (they had filed a 'missing persons' report,) but anyway, they acted so worried, but I know it was a lie.

But whatever, that happened last week. Now, this week i've been drowning in doctor appointments and what not, but Tuesday mom got a call from her friend- more like a sister- (they've known each other since middle school.) that Marie's husband (his name is Bruce)

Well, Bruce's dad died. (I believe he had lung cancer) I feel bad for them, despite the fact his father was always such a bastard towards him, and Bruce has three older siblings, and one of them is a huge suck-up, and he threatened Bruce multiple times.

Anyway, so Today (Friday 10th 2012) we're going to the funeral (or the viewing or whatever they call it, because in the will he wanted to be cremated, btw the guy that died is named 'Danny')

Anxiety thought one- there's going to be ALOT of people I can just feel it, I've met most of Marie's family, like her three brothers and what not, But I've only met Bruce's father once-

and when I did he made comments and blunt, like I wasn't eve in the room. It stung and caused me to triggered to self-harm. He had no reason to talk he was on a god damn oxygen!

Anyway, I don't wish death to anyone, It's not right. But i'm not sad about Danny's death, I don't know him that well and I just remember him being the one to cause me to add more scars to my body.

Anxiety 2- like I said before, there's going to be alot of people there, and I'm going to be freaking out like usual, but i'll have to hide it as well.

Then there's Dana and Kyle (marie and bruce's kids) and part of me wants to be free with them and trust them, but whenever we go over to see them, my walls thicken even more,

and my mom always tells me to be nice to them, and what not because they think I hate them or something, which I don't but I just can't trust others….Though Kyle and Marie came to Darrel's (my mother's father) funeral when he died a few years ago, (also from lung cancer)

So I feel like I HAVE to go, just to return the favor. but If I do i'll have to take like a shit load of Valium to make it through being around so many people.

And i'm STILL trying to get out of wearing a dress for the funeral, I'm to disgusting to wear dresses.

Now, here's a summary of how this week has been:

Went to target to get some 'back to school' things, and I walk pass these to kids (they looked around my age) and as soon they looked at me and passed me, I saw one of them whisper something to the other, before laughing.

Honestly, What did I do to be hated SO much? I'm sick and tired of this…and what's been eating at me is also that THIS saturday (saturday the 11-2012)

is 'Pack is back', It'll be the first time i've stepped foot back in that hell hole and i'm scared I won't even be able to go pick up my schedule without SOMETHING going on.

Then school officially starts the 20th.

I'm used to hiding in my room, being able to suffer in silence. I know it'll only get worse at school, and during lunch period i'll just be hiding out in my usual spot, hoping to just get my work for the day down and get the fuck out of there.

SO many thoughts swirling my head, and I have no idea how to deal with it, it's causing me to resort to self-harming more, as well as my ED's. even when I drink water I feel sick.

*sigh* Well that's it for this stupid post, i'll try to add a drawing in my next blog, wish me luck for the funeral thing…that I survive. I picture myself in that coffin, if only I was that lucky to be the dead one.

That was mean…I know, sorry..But anyway hope everyone else in the tribe is doing well, talk to you soon I guess?