Been feeling very overwhelmed by my emotions and thoughts these days. Lately all I seem to feel is lost, confused, broken, unworthy. And it all hits me right at once.
I feel heavy, like someone has tied sandbags to my limbs.
Every step I take I feel like I’m going to crumble or topple over.
The air around me feel heavy and too thick to breathe in.
And I feel like I’m in a body that isn’t my own and nothing’s is in sync.
Talking to people feels like a chore.
I’m so quick to anger and frustration, I can hardly stand my own self.
I wish I could silence my brain just for a little while….
Just long enough to get through a meal without thinking the food is contaminated.
Or just enough to get through a conversation with my partner without the overwhelmed urge to ask, “Are you sure you really love me” every other sentence.
I’d settle for just being able to take a shower without seeing myself falling through the floor or slipping and knocking myself unconscious.
Everything just feels so raw and overpowering. I feel helpless in the face of these feelings and thoughts right now. It’s never been this intense.
I just don’t know what to do.
I really don’t have anyone to talk to other than my partner but they are going through their own issues. And I just don’t feel like I’m worthy of their time right now.
My parents just aren’t understanding enough to even entertain the idea. They like to equate my problems to me just being lazy/unmotivated and moody.
My siblings and I don’t speak about anything personal on any level. I don’t trust them enough to even try.
And I can not afford therapy right now.
So here I sit staring at my phone, typing these words, wishing I had even the slightest clue about what to do with myself once I’m done.
I know what I want to do, but I won’t because the shame and guilt I feel afterwards just makes everything so much worse.
So yeah, I’m just overwhelmed by it all. And I just wish I knew what to do.