I have been suffering from severe depression and anxiety in the last few weeks. Like, what is the point of anything I am doing? Part of it is that I am alone here all day, but the main part of it is just a symptom of my schizophrenia. This is my least favorite part of the day, the hour or so right before my husband comes home. The sun blasts through our north shade, I hate the way it looks.
The Zyprexa seems to be doing a pretty good job of tamping down the bad voice and some of the visuals, though I must say that the visuals remain difficult to deal with. At least I have my mind back, and the stupid bad voice just pops in and out in little spurts instead of barraging me all day with insults. I have been taking Ativan to deal with the panic and the visuals, which go hand in hand. My husband will be home in about forty minutes. I can’t wait for him to come home. This is the home stretch, the hardest part of every day that I go through.
So how have I kept myself occupied? With witchcraft, of course. I have realized that I am not a Wiccan in the true sense of the word, because I don’t accept their Horned God and I see the Triple Goddess as just a metaphor. But I borrow heavily from Wicca, I still have a Book of Shadows, I still cast circles in the Wiccan fashion, and follow the Wiccan Rede and the Threefold Law. Theologically, I am a Christian. So I guess I am a Christian Witch. I wrote a spell today that will banish all the extraneous orange cones for good. But I won’t be able to cast it until Friday at the earliest, but maybe next Monday, when the banishing oil that I made will be ready. I can always cast it twice. Some spells are best done repeatedly until the desired outcome is realized. I am super excited to be getting my black spell candles in the mail tomorrow. I just hope they come during the day when my husband is not at home.
I cast two money spells today to obtain our tax refund. It still has not come in. And I also cast the spell to induce menstruation, using lemon-ginger-turmeric tea as the Element of Water, with moon water. I have made solar water with a citrine on top, for joy, warmth and light. I will cast the Spell to Bring Light tomorrow with the solar citrine water. The spell is specifically aimed at brightening the sun in all places, shining on the dark shadows that I see so that I can see the world brightly again. I call upon the Goddess Sunna in the spell, although I know she is just a myth. The power of her myth is good enough, even if there is no actual Sunna up there. Her myth says that she orbits the earth, which is scientifically incorrect. We orbit the sun, not the other way around. I don’t know how to get rid of this awful darkness that I see, even when the sun is out. I suppose I will soon be casting banishing spells to rid myself of the shadows. The waning moon is coming up toward the end of the week.
This Full Moon will be in Sagittarius, whatever that means. I should probably look it up. The moon will not rise until 9pm on Wednesday, so I will not set out my moon water until then. My husband just texted me, that means he will be home soon. Let me quickly look up what Moon in Sagittarius means. It signifies an expansion in knowledge and wisdom, and finding luck even in a dim situation. It will also be a lunar eclipse, but that won’t be visible until 4:18am. Maybe I’ll get up early to see if I can see it.
In any event, my witchy things have been keeping me busy, and they are important for my spiritual well-being. I thank the Lord Jesus for all he has provided me with, the tools are just props for prayers. His is the power, His is the energy behind it all. I am just a conduit. Blessed Be.