I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what’s been plaguing me.
Essentially, I have suffered from depression my whole life. Was told I have ADHD as a child. I am not currently being treated for either. I cant stand medications, nor can I afford them.
2 years ago, I ran away from my life, escaping a shitty relationship and trying to start fresh in a new city. I have managed to get myself back onto my feet (shakily at best) and am barely keeping myself above water financially.
I’ve narrowed my main concerns to social anxiety, depression, mixed with panic attacks and severe overthinking.
I’m sure there are other disorders hiding in there that I can’t even begin to understand.CBT keeps coming up as potential avenues for aid.
I finally was able to find a family doctor who I will be seeing for the first time this month, and since Covid, the only things I’ve really been able to see doctors for are more ‘pertinent health issues’.
I have only one person here that I am comfortable enough sharing anything with, and she has been distracted with her own very real issues with trauma. She doesn’t understand my coping skills (or lack thereof).
I have pushed everyone in my life away (family and friends), and have ruined every relationship I have attempted since moving here.
Now my job is affected by anxiety, and financial problems have always been a fierce trigger for me.
I feel like I just want to take my daughter and find a place far away from everyone and hermit.
My daughter is 14, and has been watching me deteriorate, and I fear she is learning behaviours that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
I’m struggling to put on the happy face. I’m struggling to put on the stable front. My walls are cracking and crumbling and I feel utterly alone.
I cannot pretend to be okay anymore.
I know I am not alone in this, and my hope is to find a group of people who can understand where I am coming from and maybe offer up some pieces of themselves and their struggles, and how they may or may not have overcome them.
Thank you for reading this far.