I sit on my balcony and look out at all the people on the street going to the bar on the corner. They talk and laugh. I just sit on the balcony and don\'t dream of going out. A few weeks ago I did go out b/c an old army buddy was in town. I met a girl and we were supposed to go out tonight but I cancelled telling her that I wasn\'t feeling well. I can\'t go out with a girl who\'s just going to figure out that I\'m fucked in the head after an hour or so. I can\'t even try to have a relationship with a girl . I don\'t want to date or anything like that. I know that it will just end badly and its better just to avoid the whole thing altogether. Still I sit on my balcony and watch the world pass me by and wish I could be a part of it but I just cannot. What the hell am I supposed to talk about with someone I don\'t know? I can put on act for a little while but eventually the truth emerges. I cannot act forever. I go to the gym everyday and never talk to anyone ever. I don\'t want to talk to anyone. But I hear people talking about their weekend plans – this club or that bar – and there\'s something in me that so badly wants to do those things again but the rational side of me dismisses the thought. I am not who I once was. I am scared and broken but most of all haunted. Its as if the ghosts of all my men surround me at every turn and never allow me a moment of solace. Every time I pulled the trigger I pushed myself further and further into the nightmarish abyss where I now find myself.