I would much prefer to curl up in bed and … well really I\'d like to listen to music, but that is too likely to make me cry, so I guess I\'d rather watch television.

 

Instead, let me paint you this picture, because I\'m sure it\'s quite humorous. I am wearing a dress, and knee-high boots. (Just for the record, it\'s summer. I\'m in Texas. and I really have no business wearing knee-high boots.) My hair is wet, unbrushed, and unstyled – except for a bobby pin that somehow stayed in throughout my shower.  I am laying in bed with my laptop listening to Karen Elson\'s Ghost Who Walks. I am waiting to go to rehearsal. 

 

Maybe it isn\'t that funny. But I find it humorous that I have wet hair, no makeup, don\'t even have my contacts in- and yet here I am fully dressed… with boots. 

 

Anyway. I feel terrible. But I\'m going to play rehearsal and that will be alright. I feel strange about this play because everyone is really impressed with what I\'m doing, but I\'m really just acting like how I wish I could act all the time, how I could act if I didn\'t have to hold myself together.

 

Talking in a "little girl" voice. Doing nervous tapping with my fingers and toes. Wringing my hands. Writing. Yelling. Crying. Looking away whenever someone yells at me. 

 

And it\'s not that I want to cry and yell and be a mess all the time. It\'s just that sometimes I wish I could be that open with everyone. I feel most like me when I\'m lying on the floor in tears. I guess because I\'m tired of pretending everything\'s fine. Because it\'s not really. And I get so tired. And it\'s nice to just be tired sometimes, instead of pretending to be awake.

 

I feel zoned out.

But at least my performance will be super tonight.

1 Comment
  1. hayesw41 11 years ago

    one way to deal with it is to tell ppl who ur around everyday. trust me on this. we carry this around like its some deep dark secert, so let the secert out and see if it works. nothening to lose and u might gain something.

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    0 kudos

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