I would much prefer to curl up in bed and … well really I\'d like to listen to music, but that is too likely to make me cry, so I guess I\'d rather watch television.
Instead, let me paint you this picture, because I\'m sure it\'s quite humorous. I am wearing a dress, and knee-high boots. (Just for the record, it\'s summer. I\'m in Texas. and I really have no business wearing knee-high boots.) My hair is wet, unbrushed, and unstyled – except for a bobby pin that somehow stayed in throughout my shower. I am laying in bed with my laptop listening to Karen Elson\'s Ghost Who Walks. I am waiting to go to rehearsal.
Maybe it isn\'t that funny. But I find it humorous that I have wet hair, no makeup, don\'t even have my contacts in- and yet here I am fully dressed… with boots.
Anyway. I feel terrible. But I\'m going to play rehearsal and that will be alright. I feel strange about this play because everyone is really impressed with what I\'m doing, but I\'m really just acting like how I wish I could act all the time, how I could act if I didn\'t have to hold myself together.
Talking in a "little girl" voice. Doing nervous tapping with my fingers and toes. Wringing my hands. Writing. Yelling. Crying. Looking away whenever someone yells at me.
And it\'s not that I want to cry and yell and be a mess all the time. It\'s just that sometimes I wish I could be that open with everyone. I feel most like me when I\'m lying on the floor in tears. I guess because I\'m tired of pretending everything\'s fine. Because it\'s not really. And I get so tired. And it\'s nice to just be tired sometimes, instead of pretending to be awake.
I feel zoned out.
But at least my performance will be super tonight.