Anxiety has been better. Still having some minor marital issues, but I\'m committed to working on them, because I\'ll never be in love like this again, and I don\'t want to lose it.


I thought I saw Aaron at my job the other day. And it was really strange. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him, and I turned, and it was very surreal. Slowed down. My head said… "Oh. That\'s not him…. He\'s dead. That\'s right. He wouldn\'t be here." And I expected to cry, but I didn\'t. I just thought about his hair. His curly hair, like an afro when it was long.


I drove by where he is buried the other day. And I looked in the gate, hoping maybe I could see the little house that has all the people in it. But I couldn\'t. Just old tombstones. And again, it felt very unreal, and I wondered when I would get up the nerve to ask someone to go visit him with me. 


It\'s strange how much more like a dream it seems now. 


I feel like the one thing I need to do to get over it, I will never be allowed by husband to do. I want to tattoo the word love on my wrist. Because then if I ever get to the point where I am convinced I need to die, I have to look at that. And I have to remember how much I hurt when Aaron died. And I have to remember that I love the people in this world too much to hurt them like that.


Sometimes I want to tell Aaron to go fuck himself for hurting us like that. I\'ve never seen more people who looked like their hearts had been ripped out. Why would you hurt us like that Aaron? How could you not think about us? 


And in the end, I know I wouldn\'t think about them either. And I don\'t want to forget. So I want that tattoo. I don\'t want to allow myself any room to hurt someone. I\'m not going to let him die for no reason. I\'m going to make my life better. I\'m going to give it a purpose. God let him do this for a reason, and there is no way I\'m going to mess it up. 


It\'s been a while, and I still can\'t stop thinking about him. I don\'t know when I will.


They left me with your shadow,

saying things like Life is not fair

& I believed them for a long time.


But today, I remembered

the way you laughed

& the heat of your hand in mine

& I knew that life is more fair

than we can ever imagine

if we are there to live it.




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