My anxiety is starting to feel like an entity, like it has a mind of its own. It feels like this thing weighing on me that I can't shake. I want to just shake it off and have a good day! I want to focus on the things I have and enjoy the lovely weather.

But I am so anxious I can barely sit still. I need to get a life and have something to do, I think that will help. But the anxiety itself seems to be zapping my energy down to nothing. I tremble a little and I can't sit still for long, yet I am exhausted.

The only thing that helps is a drink and I'm not starting that again this week. I need to balance out my brain chemistry and keep on the meds and let them help.

I still feel so much anxiety over K AND J. K because I don't want him to disappear and J because of the BS that happened after the reunion on Saturday night.

Ugh it's early in the day, and already I want it to end. Dad is away maybe that will at least give me a breather because sometimes he and Mom make me nuts together. Ironically, sitting with Dad and talking to him helped me a lot yesterday. So it seems he and I are either best friends, or I can't stand him at all.

I wish I knew what to do about K. He is my focus now, but then again, when hasn't he been? As for J,Fuck J, I mean that's that, I had a friendship with him for 6 brutal years and I'm tired of walking on egg shells. It's a sad case when you need to rely on someone that much. I mean, I blame and hate myself more than I hate J, I don't hate him, but I do have more feelings of anger towards him than I previously thought. These past months have been nothing but phoniness, starting with the St. Pat's party I had. Just be nice to J, I need him. Make him happy. God that's always impossible too. Then the Cinco de Mayo party when J realized P was there and not just my friend. He was jealous of P and why? Because I can't have any male friends that J knows about or he gets all mad. Oooh God forbid piss poor J off! I've had it. It's too much for me to try to be best friends with a man that I don't even love in that way. I have to just walk on egg shells around him and pretend that I don't want to date, that I'm not in love with someone else. It's like J always wanted his cake and to eat it too. He wanted me as this perfect little girlfriend who will be there to have fun with him, but he can go off and do his gaming and hang with his friends and put me on a shelf. I know that's what ALL guys want. All they fucking want is a beautiful female DOLL that will do their bidding, then disappear when they want to hang with their buddies or chase other women. I can't blame J for being a male.

Then again, he was there for me so many times… it's hard to just write him off and be angry at him. Jesus, no wonder I am anxious. Look at all this.

A few weeks ago, it was kind of thrilling getting attention from J, P and then having K come back. My cousin was teasing me about having 3 men in my life. But really, it's been a lot more stressful than that. And they aren't my boyfriends, I am just trying to find out where , if anywhere, I fit in with any of them.

So now I'm debating on whether or not to text K. He asked to get a drink last night and I didn't get his text until much later. One word of advice to anyone out there, make sure your cell phone is sufficient enough to send texts right when you write them. If your friends are getting your texts too late because you have a crappy phone, please do yourself and them a favor by getting a NEW one! K's phone has caused me more anxiety, at least as much as he has caused me!!

I need to take a bath, but I don't even have energy for that. I feel like eating again. I am so lazy yet so jittery at once. I can't get all those songs out of my head. I just want to feel like a normal person and stop feeling strangled.