Today is my mom's birthday and of course I sent her a lovely facebook message with witty lines and love abounding but it gets harder and harder. I hide from the thought of her. I know I shouldn't and it makes me feel even more guilty on top of everything else.
She isn't MY mom. She isn't the woman who raised me, made me smart and took care of me. Even though we hardly ever got along, even though I felt abused by her, she was still my mom. When I moved into my dad's house and we had some space we finally started to talk and connect. She was my allie against my greatest foe, the step mother.
The first part of my sadness/anger comes from the fact that my whole life she beat me into submission and one day she becomes this benevolent innocent kind woman and just gets to get away with it. She just gets to be nice and different and I get to sit here and think, "That's it?" The rest is guilt of ignoring her, avoiding her, treating her not so nicely at times. Always realizing she'll never be who she was. Wondering where she'll end up, how it will all end.
Sometimes I think it would've been easier if she died but I know its not true. I know its the hardest for her. She can't be on her own and take of herself. She lost her car, her daughter, her house. And it kills me to see her having to live this life she shouldn't be but I don't want to take care of her. I can't do it. When she visited and was actually living here for a short time after the stroke it was the worst. When she moved to washington to be closer to family who could actually help, I felt a weight lift. And of course she always asks, when will you come visit. And I hide behind my pathetic job. I can't think about her without feeling sick to my stomach with sadness. I just want MY mom back.
I remember the last time we talked before she had her stroke. We fought and when I found out what happened I felt awful and I'll never forget that. Seeing my dad looking like he was about to cry was hard enough. Dealing with someone who isn't who she was just a few days ago. Where to begin.
So as with everything else in my life when it gets hard, I run and hide.
All of that aside it seems like it is getting harder and harder to laugh and be happy. I saw the movie Bridesmaids that everyone was teling me was so super funny but the whole time I was sitting there like…this movie is depressing. It reminds me of how I just "broke up" with my best friend. It has been a long time coming and i really tried to make it like it used to be but its not the same. I had to grow up and face life and she gets to live in ignorance.
Everything is piling up and all I have to look forward to is seeing my boyfriend at the end of each day after he works long hours. It's not ideal but I haven't killed myself yet have I? I guess you could call that progress. I've been visiting my real best friend a lot more than i have in aawhile. the cemetery is so peaceful and I feel more comfortable there than I do at my own house. Even though I don't believe in heaven and hell, I just feel her there, like when I hear a certain song or see something that reminds me of her. I carry her picture in my wallet with me everywhere I go. I write her letters when i visit and place it in the ceramic cat near her headstone. I wish she was here now. Sometimes I think it might have just been easier to lose her to death than to lose her to life. Because in life you have to watch them be able to live without you and replace you and forget about the good times. While in death you never know how it could've ended otherwise and who knows we still might've been like sisters. But I'll never know.
All these movies they taint me into thinking what friendship should be like. You grow up with laughter and tears and great memories and then you get married and your each other's maids of honor and your each other's kid's god parents etc etc. But it doesn't happen like that these days. It really brings me down. I love to live in fantasy but I'm always being pulled back to the scary reality that anything could end at any moment. And I should be making the most of it while I stll can but it is hard when you have to force yourself to laugh at things, when you have to keep gluing the smile back on your face while you do your degrading job where no one will ever think you are worthy of more than you've got.
I am depressed. End of story. Living in a hell hole with people I'd rather hide in a cramped closet from then socialize with isn't ideal and definitely demotivates me. Having all these reminders of what I'm not doing with my life and what I did wrong and how far from perfect I am. Hearing all the things they say, remembering all the things they've said. What did I do to them that was so wrong? I can't wait to leave it all behind and forget about family. I wish there was an easy way to not feel guilty about wanting to shut everyone out of my life. I wish there was just an easy way to do anything. But I sit here and I type and I still feel empty and lost.