Make steps. Accept circumstances. Let it out, write it down. Swallow it down and try not to puke it back up.
I just read this note a girl wrote on facebook that talked, with no specific details about how college affected her, how she affected college, and things that overwhelmed her, some things, that made her not come back for sophmore year. I barely knew her, and I don’t know the details, but I read it and saw all the people posting their support….I could never do that on facebook, write how much I’ve been through, how much I feel I’ve changed.
I feel hard now, like leather that was once soft and forgiving and is now cracked and hard. Hard truths, lost faiths, they don’t make me feel hopeless but they make me feel old, broken. I don’t think you should lose your faith in people so young…I’m just 21 but I trust noone. Are you all scum out for yourselves? Do you care really whether I live or die? The hard part of me looks at those questions now and says, fuck it, fuck you. I don’t think you’re a real human being, and if you are a human being than I don’t believe in humanity. I wonder a lot whether I will ever want to lean on people again, to seek support.
I don’t fucking need it now, not from them, not from anyone I know in person(apart from my mom). I don’t feel quite human anymore, I don’t know what I am, but I know just to survive I have to believe that you mean nothing to me, that you all were never worth my time, even though I thought our bonds could last forever. I could never trust you, I could never feel the same sympathy towards you.
Your betrayal, your continued bullying when you KNEW I was suffering severe depression all alone with no friends but you, family far away, you can’t look at it like that because no one could sleep with that in their heads. That you put me down and layed everything on me to raise your self esteem. If I could make any statement to you I would say "You broke me, you killed a part of me to make your life peaceful, I hope it was fucking worth it, I hope you got a lot out of putting me down, and abandoning me when I needed you I hope you had the time of your fucking lives because that was and probably will be the worst experience of my life, and it lasted a year"
I have to say that I was pretty much misanthropic by the time I was 15 or so, so you feeling that way at 21 isn”t too bad really! (Not that any of this is something to go "hooray!" about I guess).
One thing about people who put you down in order to feel better about themselves – they”re often full of shit. They usually have worse self-esteem than you and the only way they can pick themselves up and feel good is by putting everyone else down. I have met quite a few people like this in my time and they are really dispicable. I understand the need of building our esteem, but at the cost of another is unacceptable. They”re shits and not worth your time. If they are out of your life consider it a gift. I usually do. Good-bye and good goddamn riddance.
You have a lot of anger (not condeming you, so do I) and it”s making you detach from the world. It”s common in misanthropes I think.