So recently I've been trying to find some kind of self worth. This is probably harder than trying to learn guitar by ear for me. I recently became a fan of Jillian Michaels. If you don't know who she is, look her up. I find her inspiring. Watching Biggest Loser a lot of the contestants don't put themselves first and this has them ending up being very unhealthy. So wanting to be healthy I've been trying, and I've been doing good. I've been doing great actually until today. Lately I've become a slight health nut. Thrusting any kind of healthy knowledge into my brain for future use. I find it all fascinating. This unfortunately leads to long arguments, heavy and somewhat heated debates between my brothers mother-in-law and myself. Always over health things. I know my facts. If I was wrong I'll admit it, I don't have a problem with that. However, she does and we circle around an argument for about a hour if not more. It angers me. She acts like I know nothing and that I never will. It doesn't help when I already don't think I'm worth anything but to have someone constantly laugh at you, tell you you're wrong and throw you under the wheels of a semi, it doesn't help.
I've been trying hard to be a happy person and love myself and my flaws. I think that it's a very important thing for me to be like that. However I can not fake it and it's gotten to the point where I am faking it. The smiles, the laughter, it's all fake. I don't like it one bit.
So i sit here now, in dire need to do laundry, not going to because I hate it here and don't feel like I deserve clean clothes. I was cutting out a Jillian Michaels ad to post on my wall next to my little Joan Jett picture to help me boost my self esteem. That's when I started crying. All over a white basket that I no longer have. it's a damn laundry basket yet I think it's important that I have it. Maybe it's because it is in my possession and I don't have many possessions so I want to keep them all as long as I can. So I asked for said basket for my laundry, in short I was told no. I stared at the scissors I was going to use to cut out the picture and felt the need to cut myself and scream I didn't do this might I add. The temptation is more than the temptation for kool-aid because I want some flavor on my tongue when I drink something. I mean I'm the one that bought these scissors a couple years ago to cut my hair in the mall parking lot. I know how they form to my hand and I know how sharp they are and how easy it'll be to let the blood drip into the bucket beside the bed after gliding it along my wrist. These thoughts are nothing new, how ever the temptation was very powerful.
I'm glad I didn't do it. It means that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. It means that I'm better than i ever thought I was. How ever, this doesn't help with me not being able to find self worth again. I'm hoping sometime soon I'll find it again. Till then I'll continue working out and trying to reach my goals.
So if anyone knows a way on how to find self worth in yourself. Let me know. I'm willing to try nearly anything. I'd say anything but I know that there are somethings I'll never try based on my own personal reasons.