And here it comes again, crashing over me like dark water in the abyss. And once again I am lost. The voices take over and I am frozen. Cannot do or say anything, it'll all be wrong. But still the words come out and the actions happen. And it erupts.
Why did you say that…Why did you do that….You're such a failure…such a disappointment…a pure waste of existence…it would all be better without you…
There is a small quiet portion of my brain left that knows logic, and knows that this isn't real…but that portion is so swiftly beaten into silence.
Only this is left, the darkness, hopelessness, fear, failure, shame, guilt, lonliness. I thought I had tucked this all away, along with the memories of cutting out the pain. I haven't done that in a long time. It's been about a year I have been living that lie. It doesn't help anymore, but it's always there. Just one more. Just one more.
Oh do I fear the day he finally notices, what a failure I will be then. That would be the final straw and I am already skating on my second chance. Nothing would truly be left then.
One cannot express the damnable frustration of knowing that the voices aren't correct, that it isn't real, that I am worth something. All the while not being able to control the emotions, the tears, the "I'm Sorry's". Being upset for being upset and so forth the cycle lives on.
The feelings, lack of feelings, and the voices, they are all so overwhelming, so damn convincing. Sometimes it seems so easy, such a solution. Like a thick dark fog behind me, pushing, and I am standing on a ledge looking down. Is there a way back, or have I leapt already?