I am so anxious right now I don't know what to do. Everything is getting to me. Yesterday we had some family friends over and I couldn't have fun until I started to drink. The drinking immediately squashed the anxiety and I felt myself "coming out". I felt my personality come back and I started talking to the guests and we were laughing and I realized thatbefore the drinks I would just sat there fidgiting, not being able to talk much, trying to focus on the conversation, running off to hide in my room… then I had the drinks and BAM I was myself again. It's a terrible feeling to know that you RELY on alcohol. Not just use it for fun, but RELY on it.

The guests themselves were not making me anxious, the are very good family friends. But I am just horribly anxious all the time because of the holidays, my (lack of) social situation, my money situation, etc… I think it's just horrible that I can't function.

I dont' want to go on medication. I am sure that the medication is better than always having to drink, but I don't know. I have heard that it can be addictive and I don't want to get into that.

This is horrible. I just want to feel normal. I just want to relax and not befreaking outall the time. Right now I can't control the thoughts or obesssions. I am so tired from laying in bed fighting off panic attacks. I want to get up and do something to get my mind off of it, but I don't have the energy. I am afraid this is completely consuming me. A lot of the time I don't even want to leave my room. There are a few minutes when something distracts me enough to make me feel a little better, like one of my cats or a funny joke… but then it's back to the horrible feeling of gasping for air, fidgiting, messing with my hair, trying to tell myself "calm down, make it go away, make it stop…"

I don't know what's wrong with my brain, but there's something very out of whack. I am externally stimulated by all the holiday chaos and my heart ache and pain and I know that this is happening because of that, yet I can't control it. I'm so tired right now, instead of feeling relaxed and happy I am a total mess. I know the next time I will feel relaxed at all is when I have my next drink, which I don't even want. Now it's not even a matter of want.


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