My husband just left about fifteen minutes ago. I don’t know how I’m going to get along without him today. Yesterday I was lucky and he came home from work very early and we were together the whole day. I don’t really know what to write about, I just know I want to write. My husband went to Grocery Outlet yesterday, and one of the things he brought home was Yogi’s Joint Comfort tea, which I think was very serendipitous, because my knee has been hurting. I hadn’t even told him that, it was just a nice coincidence. Grocery Outlet has a lot of random stuff, you never know what they’re going to have.
I have a session with my therapist in forty minutes. I’m not really looking forward to it, I’m feeling really weird right now. I feel like everything is disappearing, including me. This Joint Comfort tea contains turmeric, which apparently has been used in Ayurveda to heal the joints, along with celery seed and devil’s claw root. There is green tea in it as well, but you can’t taste it. It also has peppermint and lemongrass, that’s really all you taste, besides the turmeric.
I don’t know why I’m feeling so awful right now, I just know I’m feeling awful. Everything looks terrible to my eyes, and I feel like I’m disappearing! I wish I could have my session with my therapist right now, because I feel like I won’t even be here to have it in half an hour. My doctor has diagnosed me with schizophrenia. That is comforting, because otherwise I have no explanation for how terrible I feel all the time. So the weirdness that I see is just hallucinations, and the voice in my head is just a voice, not the devil as he claims to be. I see the trees, and they don’t look right to my eyes. The sun doesn’t look right either, the sunlight is too bright and it causes dark shadows to be on everything. But the sun isn’t out right now (thankfully), and I’m still seeing dark shadows on everything. It would be worse if the sun were out. I need help right now! I need my husband to come back! I feel like I’m disappearing! Oh, I’m so sick of feeling this way! I feel like I’m barely here, that I’m barely breathing.
I’m so tired of this, why won’t the world go back to normal? I can hardly think straight, and everything looks like it’s disappearing right before my very eyes! I’m totally panicking right now. I don’t know what to do! Oh shut up, you stupid bad voice, I’m sick of hearing you! My husband told me to send it love and kindness, but that’s not working. How I wish I had my therapy session right now, in this moment, because I don’t think I’m going to be here in half an hour. I’m so scared! Why can’t the world just be normal again? Why can’t my life be normal? Why is everything so ugly and frightening? If this is schizophrenia, then schizophrenia is the pits. Seriously. I’m looking around me, and it looks like everything is disappearing.
I just had the session with my therapist. I like him a lot. He wants me to have spiritual direction, as he thinks it’s essential for me to get back on track with my beliefs. So I just emailed the sister that I want to have spiritual direction from, and hopefully she will call me soon, or at least email me back. I’m terrified right now, everything looks like it’s disappearing, I want my husband! I feel like I’m barely here, that I’m barely breathing! I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry to be panicking in the middle of a blog like this, but I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do! I need help! I need my husband to be back here with me! It’s time to take my meds, maybe that will help. I am out of Seroquel, I will have to call the pharmacy to be sure they have filled my prescription. I don’t feel like I’m going to make it to tonight. I need help! Oh, when will the world go back to normal? When will I ever feel safe again? The bad voice is telling me, “Never!” And unfortunately, my experience is matching what he is telling me. I can’t do this without my husband! He will be home in seven hours. Hopefully sooner. I don’t know how to end this blog without sounding curt. I just know I really need some help, and that help only comes when my husband is home. I need my husband! I need my husband! He won’t be home for seven hours, how in the world am I going to get through this? I really don’t know. Everything will be ok when my husband gets home.