I had the perfect life before university. I had top grades and felt confident in myself in class. I had an amazing boyfriend who loved me and treated me well, and a bunch of close friends. I always had confidence issues but after lots of drama classes and invites to parties, I was finally at peace with myself and I enjoyed life. I applied for university last year, and got 5 unconditional offers to top universities. I had worked so hard to get my grades and I couldn't wait to get started. I was sad to be seperated from my friends and boyfriend but I couldn't wait to meet new friends and live away from home.
I came back from university after 10 weeks with depression, a gain in weight and loss in friends and confidence.
I hated my course. I wanted to be a psychologist and counsellor to people with eating disorders (one of my friends was diagnosed with anorexia and I was fascinated my mental disorders, and I was amazed by the work of her counsellor) and I am still interested in psychology. However, I took sociology and history as my other two subjects and hated them. I struggled with them and I couldn't bring myself to study sociology as it was pointless and history was dull.
I also didn't make any friends. I shared with 4 other people; 2 were from private school and weren't interested in hanging round me, one was autistic and didn't come out her room most of the time and one was a complete stoner. Although I hung out with the stoner because he was friendly, I was terrified of hanging round him because he kept getting caught with drugs. I wasn't into drugs myself. I've only tried weed, and I didn't like smoking it more than once in a blue moon. I stopped hanging round with him because he was on his last warning and I was terrified I would be too. I felt awful for smoking it to fit in. The only other friend I made was a boy with a jealous girlfriend. He only hung out alone or with his girlfriend, because he didn't want to upset his girlfriend. I tried to talk to people in my seminar groups and in lectures but I never managed anything more than a quick conversation before the lesson started,
I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend or anything, but I was good looking and physically fit. But I wasn't even flirted with at all. I started to think I was ugly and started to not care what I looked like.
Now I'm back home, nearly as lonely as before. My parents are understanding and try to cope best they can but it's hard for them. I'm applying for a different university next year for a psychology with biology course and a good university. My boyfriend and friends up there are looking forward to spending time with me next year. I have a good time with my friends and boyfriend when I see them, but they all have demanding course and good university friends so they don't have a lot of time for me. I am so lonely and jealous of their lives. They all love their course and are always out partying. Why was it me that got the raw deal?
I have a plan for next year, and I can't wait to try again even though I'm terrified it will be the same. I'm sure it won't be because it is a smaller university and have a sense of community. My first university had triple the amount of students than my new one.
However I don't know how I am going to get through the next 9 months until university starts. I am trying to get a job but because I have good grades, employers question whether I will be leaving them soon for university. I try to go to the gym and study but I have zero motivation. I can't get through this. I am so lonely and sad all the time. I find the smallest task impossible and I just want out. I need a community and some friends who understand and can help me through this.