I had the perfect life before university. I had top grades and felt confident in myself in class. I had an amazing boyfriend who loved me and treated me well, and a bunch of close friends. I always had confidence issues but after lots of drama classes and invites to parties, I was finally at peace with myself and I enjoyed life. I applied for university last year, and got 5 unconditional offers to top universities. I had worked so hard to get my grades and I couldn't wait to get started. I was sad to be seperated from my friends and boyfriend but I couldn't wait to meet new friends and live away from home.

I came back from university after 10 weeks with depression, a gain in weight and loss in friends and confidence.

I hated my course. I wanted to be a psychologist and counsellor to people with eating disorders (one of my friends was diagnosed with anorexia and I was fascinated my mental disorders, and I was amazed by the work of her counsellor) and I am still interested in psychology. However, I took sociology and history as my other two subjects and hated them. I struggled with them and I couldn't bring myself to study sociology as it was pointless and history was dull.

I also didn't make any friends. I shared with 4 other people; 2 were from private school and weren't interested in hanging round me, one was autistic and didn't come out her room most of the time and one was a complete stoner. Although I hung out with the stoner because he was friendly, I was terrified of hanging round him because he kept getting caught with drugs. I wasn't into drugs myself. I've only tried weed, and I didn't like smoking it more than once in a blue moon. I stopped hanging round with him because he was on his last warning and I was terrified I would be too. I felt awful for smoking it to fit in. The only other friend I made was a boy with a jealous girlfriend. He only hung out alone or with his girlfriend, because he didn't want to upset his girlfriend. I tried to talk to people in my seminar groups and in lectures but I never managed anything more than a quick conversation before the lesson started,

I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend or anything, but I was good looking and physically fit. But I wasn't even flirted with at all. I started to think I was ugly and started to not care what I looked like.

Now I'm back home, nearly as lonely as before. My parents are understanding and try to cope best they can but it's hard for them. I'm applying for a different university next year for a psychology with biology course and a good university. My boyfriend and friends up there are looking forward to spending time with me next year. I have a good time with my friends and boyfriend when I see them, but they all have demanding course and good university friends so they don't have a lot of time for me. I am so lonely and jealous of their lives. They all love their course and are always out partying. Why was it me that got the raw deal?

I have a plan for next year, and I can't wait to try again even though I'm terrified it will be the same. I'm sure it won't be because it is a smaller university and have a sense of community. My first university had triple the amount of students than my new one.

However I don't know how I am going to get through the next 9 months until university starts. I am trying to get a job but because I have good grades, employers question whether I will be leaving them soon for university. I try to go to the gym and study but I have zero motivation. I can't get through this. I am so lonely and sad all the time. I find the smallest task impossible and I just want out. I need a community and some friends who understand and can help me through this.

3 Comments
  1. naomijane 8 years ago

    i have a good friend who is in a similar situation. she was happy in herself at school, got good grades, went traveling but got homesick. This was just the start for her, after she began to settle a little more she was whisked off to university where she became more and more depressed. so she eventually quit uni and came back home. and just to mess with her head even more!!! her dad got offered a job half way up the country!! so the whole family, who i share alot of childhood memories with- have gone! they left a couple of months ago. i really struggled with the loss, but i can still visit them, its not completely the end. well done for being so open and honest on your blog..talking about it is good 🙂

    here if u want to talk, always 🙂

    Naomi

    xx

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  2. lonelystudent 8 years ago

     Hi there :),

    I totally know what you mean about having a better life before university. I am in the same situation except I was too scared to drop out because of money issues and my parents hating me for it. My life was great before uni, I had lots of friends like yourself, however, I didn't get into the uni I wanted because I didn't get all the right grades (long story) but all my school friends got into the same uni or nearby ones. Whereas I got accepted into one 300 miles away from my friends and ended up only having some good friends in uni classes but they all dropped out after 2 years leaving me basically alone in every class! in my 3rd and 4th years.

    I am in my 4th year  now and cannot wait to leave this summer. Least every holidays I can still see my school friends for a few days but it really gets me down, it doesn't feel the same anymore meeting them again when they have all moved on in their lifes. Like you said why did we get the raw deal? I can't really help you there but just know you are not alone and I hope your new university treats you well because you deserve it 🙂 

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  3. chammy 8 years ago

     I did try my hardest to keep going with university, and I felt stupid after dropping out after only 10 weeks. I could have coped with being lonely if I enjoyed my course, or if I had made good friends but hated the course. I couldn't stand seeing all my friends having an amazing time and making new friends whereas I sat in most weekend nights watching T.V. or working on my studies.

    I tried so hard to make friends, I went to a different club social every weekday night for nearly a month to try and meet some new people. It seems that everyone always brought a friend with them everywhere, so it was hard to try and make friends in social groups. I just tried so hard and it didn't work. 

    I haven't been officially diagnosed by my GP, but I am on the waiting list for CBT and I have decided to take the medication option too.

    I know my life doesn't suck that badly, and it could be a lot worse. However, knowing some people have it worse than me makes me feel dramatic and selfish. I know university can be lonely sometimes but I just want it to give me an opportunity to get a degree and stay happy.

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