Greetings OCD Tribe. I was a part of this website about 7 years ago when I lived in Washington State as a trail worker. I spent a lot less time online then…Since then, I have attended graduate school for body-centered psychotherapy and have tried to up my understanding of the intense OCD and nervous system dysregulation that began in childhood with me, and tracked me in different ways as I grew older. Lots of loving attention and energy work,along with decisions that it's okay for me to not feel fear, have made things a lot better. It's all relative, though, and occassionally, I still have to pull myself out of a spiral.

Yesterday, a colleague asked me about my experience as a child with OCD. It was the first time anybody wanted to know what it was like for me, from the inside-out, for the sake of another child. It was so validating, and great to be believed and heard. And I got a lot of interesting information, too. For example, this child, too, has issues with her stomach. She is afraid to notice it, whereas I notice when mine is upset often. I tend to experience a lot of fear and sensations of powerlessness in my stomach and lower back. I'm curious about what else we all have in common.

Anyway, one of the pieces that I notice is that it can be hard to relinquish the fear to sensations of comfort. When I reach that edge, my brain doesn't quite know what to do. It begins to try to sort for the benefits of letting go (is it safe to do so?), and the identification with holding on (this is the only way I know how to be…what next?). I've been inviting my cortex and my sense of adventure in. We all have self-righting mechanisms, and all living systems are set up to maximize efficiency in terms of flow. That means that if I let go of pain, likely, something healthier will move in. So I have to talk to myself and keep telling myself it's okay to let go. That self-saboteur tries to talk me out of it, but edging in on health ends up feeling really cool…I'm proud of myself as I do it. Feeling good can feel uncomfortable, yet we crave it when we have OCD. I've learned that it takes work, and it does happen.

Anyway, it's cool to be back. I can't wait to hear more of people's stories so I can start to suss out how they are similar and different from my own. Many blessings, all!