Alright…So um, first off- Hey everyone…It\'s been so long since I\'ve put up an entry, I checked and the last time I did it was like the beginning of August…SO much has happened during that time, and I\'ve wanted to share about it so many times..
But I couldn\'t. I just shut down and wanted nothing to do with anyone, irl or on the internet…Needless to say things have gotten worse since I last spoke to the tribe,Not better.
I guess i\'m just gonna sum up everything that\'s happened?
Alright, So I started back in school in august, I think I posted that before I disappeared. Basically i\'ve somehow been surviving but since the first week of school to now I can never make it a full week at school I always miss days of school.
Part of those because of my medical issues, Other reasons because of my Anxiety, and some of my other disorders have played their part in that. Anyway, so In august it was basically me trying to survive being back at school.
I don\'t talk at school- at all. the classmates there make me nervous, and i\'m shaking and panicking every day in my classes, blasting my ipod just trying to get my work done.
Basically when i\'m actually at school, I do my work and when it\'s time to go home I get the hell out of there.Plus, twice a day I always have to leave 2nd and 5th period early because I have to go to the nurse to take medicine for my GI and Diabetes (Plus I usually have to go there like other times in the day to take my Xanax)
I tried not to miss any school at the beginning, But I got sick in the second week of school,and so as more days passed it got harder and harder to go back and now it\'s in that vicious cycle again with that, y\'know what I mean?
During this month, again struggling with things. from this point to now, I noticed my self-harming and Eating disorders (and my social anxiety) has gone to an all time high.
and it\'s only getting worse,I\'m to the point though where it\'s like "Who gives a fuck I should just stop trying, no one would care"
I don\'t know how I\'m even getting through writing this at the moment.
Beginning oct, I found out my aunt Gloria died, So we had to go up to Georgia and go to the funeral, I was dying from anxiety since so many family was there, and the church had made us a pot-luck kinda lunch, just seeing all the desserts, and fried southern-like food made me sick, (Though i\'m Vegetarian, so I wouldn\'t have eaten the meat anyway, but even looking at the vegetables made me feel bad and what not. but I didn\'t eat it) I had to make up an excuse that my stomach was acting up so that\'d they\'d get off my case.
I spent most of this month locked in my room- what else is new?- watching non-stop Halloween movies.
One thing I LOVE is Halloween…I even went to Halloween Horror Nights, One house they has was "Alice Cooper- Welcome to my nightmare" It was the best house there, and I got the t-shirt form it.
Though on Halloween night, we went out to dinner- God help me.
I was able to sneak food into my napkin and not eat, though my mom and dad got into another fight -They fight almost everyday now- so the ride home was suffocating.
When we got back I went to my room and finished out my night watching AMC: Fear Fest, as well as Tim Burton movies.
Also one thing that has been a pain this month is I have a bad yeast infection because of my Diabetes…so i\'m on more medication for that.
Though, Black Veil Brides new album went on for Pre-order halloween night….So I pre-ordered it, and they released one song as a single from that album.
It\'s called "In The End" it made me cry alittle, I don\'t know if i would\'ve made it this long without the bands I listen to…
And now it\'s November, It\'s only the 2nd so not alot to talk about yet. Though I missed school again, and on the 7th the school is meeting with my parents on accommodations for me….great..
My mom is such a child…She keeps complaining how hard it is for her, that she has two classes for her masters, her teaching job, having to do EVERYTHING in the family (apparently my dad does nothing?) and one of those stresses is me.
Whenever she complains, I just sit there…So many thoughts, and screams, and comments rushing around in my head it becomes a blur.
If she could read the thoughts in my mind, See the burns,cuts and scars on my body, that the few times when I DO eat, I have to stick my fingers down my throat to feel better- If only she fucking knew anything.
But, I don\'t want her or anyone else\'s pity…so I stay quiet, Maybe whenever I do die someday, then they\'ll see.
Anyway, We have two more weeks of school then we\'re off for a full week for thanksgiving.
For thanksgiving we\'re going to Marie\'s house…like we do every year…Though usually there\'s alot of people, but apparently her and her older brother (she has three) are fighting of Chucky\'s (one of the brothers, He\'s mentally ill) care treatment, so he won\'t be coming.
Not sure about Fred, but if not it\'s just going to be me, Mom, Jonathan, dad, Marie,Bruce and Kyle…
Which is good and bad-
Good because there won\'t be as many people-
Bad because since there\'s going to be less people, I won\'t be able to escape the spotlight, and I\'ll have to interact with them which scares the shit out of me.
Also, I just feel like I ruin things for everyone, I\'m a burden. and I\'m weary around Kyle- I mean he\'s a nice guy but, I\'m SO awkward around him, and Dana. I send the wrong message and I keep thinking back to Danny\'s funeral and what kyle said that sent me into a panic attack.
He was wasted- He just lost his grandfather, it was to be expected- But it was a two-day ceremony, and on the second day when we got there he was wasted, and was kinda joking with me (you know how people pick on you, but are just messing around?)
And I was staring at the ground when I said \'hi\' to him, My brother was like "Come on Andrea, Talk, interact with people" and Kyle was trying to get me to speak up and look at him as well- Strike one.
Later on that night, when we were getting ready to go (thank god, Because by that time, I had gone through several panic attacks and was like a corpse),he rolled up (he\'s in a wheelchair, long story) and put his arm around my waist, hugging me (I don\'t like people touching me…) and he was like
"You know, You don\'t have to me shy around us Andrea,We\'re family" and things like that, I just nodded and mumbled "I\'m trying" and went to pull away but for a moment his grip got tighter before letting me go.
I thought I was going to panic again, I don\'t know if he meant it because he was drunk, and mom is like "You\'ve got to be nice to them, They care about you, don\'t push away the ones who care" blah blah,
But anyway, so I haven\'t seen them since the funeral, and nervous about that…even though i won\'t see them until thanksgiving. So yeah…
On sorta good thing, I ordered tickets (VIP package) for BVB\'s show (there coming to Tampa in January, Sadly there not coming to Orlando but Tampa\'s not to bad of a drive…)
and with that package I some awesome stuff, and I also got back-stage pass…but now i\'m doubting myself, that i\'m no good enough to meet the BVB band members and all that…I\'m such a moron.
I guess that\'s it for now…I\'m just wiped out and feel like i\'m shutting down again..Plus I have to go out with the family tomorrow, we\'re taking my grandmother to eat, so i\'m anxious because of the food part, my anxiety, and that she\'ll say something to trigger me again…
Wish me luck, though I don\'t deserve it…
(Update- Also, I just checked my facebook to see my friend Kim had posted pictures from her Halloween night…Again her and maddie as well as others are having a life, having SO much fun, and I\'m left out, to forever wither away and die alone in my room…I wonder if they even like me? Or they just talk to me out of pity, But don\'t want to be seen with me in public I bet…)
Anyway, I\'m gonna start posting regularly again…so I\'ll \'see\' you soon I guess…Hope everyone else is doing alright…Bye.
(p.s- Posted the link of BVB\'s new song if anyone is bored or something…feel free to check it out..erm..yeah)