I have always been a big girl, and I don’t just mean tall. From the age of about 12 I started packing on the weight, and it’s never really stopped. I have tried the diets and all of that. Starved myself ect ect. Its always been a big issue for me, and I have no self esteem because of it.

I think that’s why I love the internet soo much, because people get to know you for YOU, not for what you look like. I don’t talk about my weight with anyone. I try to be the “I’m ok with the way I look” type of person, but I’m not. You know that old saying “ but you’ve got a great personality”.. that drives me insane. No matter how much people say they look for personality, you have to be physically attracted to someone. Someone like me doesn’t get that a lot… and it hurts. No one loves you… no man would ever want anything like me. I’m one of those women that will never find love. I’ll take 44’s advise and move into the country. But I’ll go by myself. In my solitude, I’ll just have myself and some animals.

There is a lot of people in my family who are overweight, my mum, nan, aunts .. almost everyone is. That’s not an excuse though. I would love dearly to loose weight. I have tried believe me. I have a lot of problems with it. The biggest issue is that I have dodgy knee, which makes exercise very painful. Even swimming is hard. My knee cap comes out of my knee joint all the time which is painful. I have yet been able to find an exercise that i can do, and not be in pain. Even walking is painful most of the time.

I avoid the scales like the plague. I think the last time I weighed myself was about a year or even longer.

A lot of people don’t understand the ridicule that overweight people get. The looks, the taunts. It’s a very lonely world for someone that’s overweight.  As a young person in high school I got teased a lot. Its very painful to even talk about this, and I’m surprised that I’m even writing this blog to be honest. Primary school I had NO friends, I was what one would describe as a “Loner”. I spent my days in the school library reading books.

I remember when I was on holidays with my little sister, I was unable to go on some of the rides she wanted to on, because I couldn’t fit into the harness. It was soo humiliating and maybe one of the saddest moments of my life. She wanted to go onto the helicopter ride, I knew they have to weigh you to make sure they have enough fuel ect. I couldn’t even think about doing that. I wanted to go and swim with the dolphins, but I didn’t for the reason of I don’t know if the wet suits they wear come in my size.

To be overweight is very very  hard. Society doesn’t accept overweight people, and no matter where you go there are people telling you that the way you are is WRONG. Why is it wrong to have a bit more weight? Why must you sit there and redicule me for being the way I am? Its truly not fair. I wonder if those people who have always been blessed with good looks, good figure ect. Know how much it hurts when they sit there saying “oohh I need to loose some weight” when they are soo skinny.  They have no idea how many times I have cried myself to sleep. No idea what so ever.

When I was at the hospital, the Psych actually asked me if my weight bothered me. I was stunned that he would ask me a question, so up front when I had only talked to him one other time. My answer was of course it bothers me. But what annoyed me even more than this question, what the fact that the man in front of me was overweight himself!!!  I couldn’t count the amount of times I have seen drs, and they have said.. you need to loose some weight, when they are overweight themselves. Talk about hypocritical!

Don’t get me wrong here, I know that being overweight is unhealthy ect ect. But I think there needs to be more understanding for those of us that do have a bit more meat on our bones. No one gets how hard it is. No one.. unless you’ve been in my shoes… please don’t judge me. You have NO IDEA.