I don’t know why i’m writing alot latley. Its strange cause i’m one to normally keep everything inside of me and not say a thing. Maybe cause i’m feeling like the blog space is my friend. A kind of "Dear Diary" deal. Good think about this diary it sometimes talks back and thats kind of nice.
I wrote a blog earlier on a word document, i was soo angry at the time. I know i could have just deleted it and not worry about it. I thought that I should post it anyway. Sorry to anyone that I may have offended in that rant.
My sister was going off at me today, she told me that dinner was ready, but i was too busy writing a blog. She thought I was talking to someone. I guess in a way i was. I think my mum seen this site today. She came into my room, and wanted me to check something on the internet for her. I minimised the page, but it was on the toolbar still. It was a few minutes before i realized that i hadn’t got rid of it completly. I don’t want her to know I go on a depression site. I don’t want her to know anything about me. She has never cared about me before, so why the heck should she now.
Me and my mum have never had a close realationship. I live under her roof, and we chat but we don’t TALK. When i was in the hospital I didn’t want to talk to her, and i didn’t until about the 5th day i was there. I couldn’t handle hearing her, i knew shed get all upset and cry and stuff, and I didn’t want to have that. I couldn’t have that. The first person that i actually seen in the hospital was my pregnant cousin, and that was because she seen me in the corridoor. She started to cry. Ughhh.. like i wanted to see that.
I really liked being in the hospital. I feelt more accepted and "normal" cause everyone was the same. Everyone had issues. There were alot of people who had self harmed so me being there wasn’t anything new or different. Sometimes I really want to go back. There have been several days where i have been close to cutting myself, and praying that they would take me back. I guess the only thing wrong with being in there, is your actually LOCKED in. there are locks on the doors for the ward, and if you want to go out you have to ask.
It has to be a wierd person to wish they were in the hospital right??!!