I hold my breath in hopes I feel what it might feel like.
My stomach is full, another one of those eating too much days, I failed again.
I am not me, I am not what I wanted to be, I am not what other people want me to be and I dont know what and where I want to be anymore either.
The things I have; the skin I have, the eyes I have, the teeths I have, the legs I have, the body I have, the hair I have, the arms I have,the legs I have, the scars I have, all seems untouchable. It disgust others and myself.

Snow was nice. It wasn’t a very bad day. But this sadness, where does it come from? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do others hate me and don’t want to be around me? I’m that bad?

So I keep wondering what it feels like. I think they would think about me but not miss me, since they are not missing me now. People say they are friends but do they mean those words?
I have heard so many words come and go, I have said so many things to with no action. I guess I’m not better either.

If finally one day I am able to make good friends, good connections, or even a family I cant find comfort that this all is lost already. I have to die like everyone else. So then what’s the point in having it all just to watch it fade away. I have lost alot of things in my 23 year old life. Eerything I have lost went with a part of me, and I am sure I will lose much more. This means before I am death I will be death inside, this is how it’s starting to feel.

I dont understand.

1 Comment
  1. carermum 12 years ago

    Hello.!! I read this entry and felt I had to reply.

    Why do you say you aren”t what you or others wanted you to be.?? Can you still achieve this.?? Do you want to do so.?? I have failed my family”s expectations of me – being the older child wasn”t good for me. I am, however, happy as I am and they have come to terms with what – and who – I am. My kids and I have Aspergers, which didn”t help. 

    I hope you and I can be friends.    

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