I hold my breath in hopes I feel what it might feel like.
My stomach is full, another one of those eating too much days, I failed again.
I am not me, I am not what I wanted to be, I am not what other people want me to be and I dont know what and where I want to be anymore either.
The things I have; the skin I have, the eyes I have, the teeths I have, the legs I have, the body I have, the hair I have, the arms I have,the legs I have, the scars I have, all seems untouchable. It disgust others and myself.
Snow was nice. It wasn’t a very bad day. But this sadness, where does it come from? Why do I hate myself so much? Why do others hate me and don’t want to be around me? I’m that bad?
So I keep wondering what it feels like. I think they would think about me but not miss me, since they are not missing me now. People say they are friends but do they mean those words?
I have heard so many words come and go, I have said so many things to with no action. I guess I’m not better either.
If finally one day I am able to make good friends, good connections, or even a family I cant find comfort that this all is lost already. I have to die like everyone else. So then what’s the point in having it all just to watch it fade away. I have lost alot of things in my 23 year old life. Eerything I have lost went with a part of me, and I am sure I will lose much more. This means before I am death I will be death inside, this is how it’s starting to feel.
I dont understand.