Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a very long time. I laid on the couch wrapped up in a blanket staring mostly at a spot on the ceiling, occasionally looking over to check on my son who was playing or watching tv in the living room with me. My mind seemed to be frozen, unable to form real thoughts. It felt like deep down inside when somebody dies, that soul-sucking grief that makes it impossible to think or come out of yourself for very long. All I really wanted to do was hurt myself badly, maybe even kill myself. But the child sitting in front of me wouldn't allow my conscience to accept doing something like that. I just couldn't. So instead I stared at a spot on the ceiling, or watched the whir of the fan blades that made no sense to me and meant nothing, and I faded within myself.

I felt so much guilt, anger, oppression, and sadness that I couldn't function. And the weather made it impossible to go out anywhere because of the heavy continuous thunderstorms and localized flooding. Zachary is afraid of lightning so he came and laid next to me on the couch when it got bad, but I welcomed the small comfort of his little body next to mine.

Aaron knew something was really wrong with me as soon as he got home. He kept asking me, but what was I supposed to say? I feel like dying? I feel like cutting myself up so much that I'd need stitches?

I don't remember it, but somehow I made dinner. Scalloped ham and potatoes. I remember eating it but not really making it. Just using the knife to cut up the ham, when I really wanted to use the knife to cut me.

Eventually Aaroncame up to hold me and asked me what I wanted to do to help me feel better. I really didn't want anything except to lie down and sleep. But I let him take me to get ice cream, just the two of us to where we had our first date so long ago. During the ride there he asked me to voice how I was feeling inside, and the only thing I could think of was how you feel right after someone close to you dies, and how your guts twist around themselves and your mind can't work right. Saying it out loud helped some. The whole time he held my hand.

When we got there we ended up sharing a sundae and I finally made myself talk and ask how his day went. I don't remember his answer. But at least I did talk ~ I know that. We picked up shakes for my Mom and Zachary and headed home in the rain.

When we got back I was more able to function. Mom and Zach thanked us for their shakes and Mom asked me if I was okay. I told her "not really, but I'll get there", and left it at that. I was able to function enough to get done the things that needed to be finished before I could go to bed, and then Zach showed up downstairs wanting to sleep in his extra bed down in our room. I told him to climb into bed and kissed and hugged him goodnight and covered him with his blankets. We both struggled to find sleep last night, but eventually he fell asleep and so did I.

Today yesterday seems like a really bad dream. The whole thing seems unreal to me, like it didn't really happen. I'm feeling much more like usual self, just easily tired out. Zachary and I have some running around to do and then we'll go to the library and get books and movies like usual. I'm trying to get him to start reading short chapter books because everything we have here for him he's really outgrown. He reads too well, and I think it's about time to donate the old books and start a new collection for him.

I feel more capable today. I feel like I have just enough in me to get done the things I want to accomplish. They're simple tasks, but even then they feel hard. But I'm going to do it anyhow.

I think part of the reason I'm doing better today is that while I laid in bed last night all I could think of was being stuck back in the hospital and the mayhem that would cause as there would be no one to take care of our son. That's MY job, and I needed to be well enough to do it. So I told myself that tomorrow I would pull myself together and do it right ~ no more laying on the couch all day giving in to the emptiness I had been feeling. I had chosen to let it win that day and would not stand for it again. I will not let the illness own me. I deserve better, my son deserves better, and so does my family. Falling apart at the seams is not an option.

So help me find the strength to get through today and do what needs to be done. I need the strength to do the errands and go to the library and play with my little boy because he deserves it. He deserves to have a Mom that is THERE.


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