"Excited" is more than a little hyperbolic, but there aren't enough mood options, imho.

I had a decent night last night. Despite my best efforts (mixing about four beers with about 4 mg of klonopin), I did not get trashed and wound up having a nice time with a good friend. We talked about how much our respective boyfriends suck. And that we love them. We watched a movie, and then she went to sleep.

I had a nice light chat with a new friend on the phone, and eventually fell asleep.

So, nice, boring, non dramatic night. Yay! (Boring in a really nice, nothing bad happened, relaxing kind of way.)

I had a *great* therapy session this morning and feel much better. I got the spark I needed to try and work on putting myself back together. And I got to talk about my icky memory. I reached a new place with my therapist. I have so much trouble talking about things, so it was a huge relief to just say what I remembered. It was so much easier to talk to him about it than I thought it would be. It's almost like it brought the memory into the adult world, and from that perspective, I could only see the shame of my father, and none for myself. I no longer felt like a bad little girl. Talking about it is so important!!!

My therapist also had me do imagery therapy, which really freaked me out. I was pretty scared, but tried to go along with it. It's kind of like guided meditation. I've never been good at any kind of meditation. Normally I don't express a whole lot of emotion, not even in therapy, but just trying to clear my mind opens up all the sadness and rage that aren't buried that deep. I think it helped tho. It made feel a little bit less crazy.

It's official. I love my therapist. He is so my hero.

Afterwards I did a little shopping. I felt guilty for doing so even tho I really needed new clothes and I stuck to the clearance rack. I'm getting more concerned about owning long-sleeve tshirts.

After shopping I met Andy (best friend/ex/bf type dude) at his place and we went to the aquarium. A huge burden must've been lifted off of me in therapy because I was as gleeful as a child. I love marine life and I was so happy to look at all the fish and birds and animals. Andy is planning on helping me start a tank when I move into my new place. He has a beautiful saltwater coral aquarium in his apartment.

I started getting sad again. It's hard for me to be around Andy for too long. He just won't tell me how he feels about me. If he could just say he only wants to be friends, that would be fine. But he doesn't want to talk about it, so after a while, I just feel lonely and hurt that he doesn't reach out to me. I finally asked if he was ready to talk about it. He said maybe this weekend. I tried not to cry!

Anyway, I finally came home. I'm still sorta happy, or at least I'm trying very hard to be optimistic. I just talked to my dad and smoothed things over. I know he's an evil child molesting asshole who doesn't deserve to have things "smoothed" over, but I need things to be cool. Why? I'm financially dependent on him and I hate it. But in order to change that I need to make my life a little easier first.

Somehow I feel better after all that. I changed things. I effected change in my life. And my therapist gave me some coping tips for exercise, so I'm really really looking forward to exercising tonight! I've been out of shape for so long, but usually exercise causes me to panic. It feels more like a struggle than exercise. But I'm going to try breathing exercises and klonopin. And then I'll reward myself with a nice hot bath and some pleasure reading.

Gosh I feel so busy. I also need to do homework and get up early for class. We'll see. I got a little distracted by a bizarre "art" project I just had to do. I'll post it when I'm done with it.


I hope everyone is having a good night! If you're not, I hope you feel better! I was seriously suicidal days ago and now I'm hopeful, so yeah, there's hope.




P.S. Andy called me while I worked on this blog. And he made a few plans for the next few weeks with me while we were talking today. He's really there for me and very supportive. But it's so confusing. He's always thinking of me and trying to help, but when it comes to being close the way we used to, I think I scare him. 🙁

But if he's so super attentive and caring (at a time when he's withdrawn from the rest of his friends), he must love me, right??? Sorry, I'm being such a girl . . . .


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