My depression is hitting me so hard right now. I feel like I’m trying with all my strength and energy to stay afloat. I’m still at the point where I can at least pretend to be happy around my friends and loved ones, but I know that the longer I keep up the act, the faster that fake smile will fall away. Then I’ll look like the walking disaster that I know I am. I mainly feel alone since no one I talk to seems to REALLY understand how I feel or what I need. I’m also very much in the hole financially. I can’t go back to my parents house because there isn’t any room for me there AND my brother triggers my PTSD. I can’t live with my boyfriend and his family because his mom watches too much Judge Judy and she thinks we would end up in some sort of legal battle (even though she absolutely adores me). I don’t know where I would go if I can’t keep paying my rent. I’ve never had to think about living in a shelter before. Even if I applied for section 8 housing, it could be several years before I’m approved and offered help. Single moms are the ones that get help right away and I don’t have any children. I’ve been so overwhelmed that I started cutting again (on my legs). It worries me a bit that I don’t regret it and that I find myself fantasizing about it. I can’t kill myself because I know that would kill my family, so this is the best I can do. I haven’t told my counselor yet that I started cutting yet, but I plan to. Even though I’m addicted to it, I still would rather not be. I want to be “normal” and I want to feel like a valuable, functional member of society. It’s all just so hard. Of course I never asked for this, but I still need to find a way to live with it.
Proanamia, , Addiction, Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, Child, Depression, PTSD, Relationships, Therapist, 1