Not a great day. Everything/one is on my nerves. I feel like breaking someone's teeth. I feel bloodthirsty. I feel like hating everything for not being right.

I feel like I felt in the past–for years at a time, and I really hate that. Usually, I'm on top of it with the right thoughts and reasoning to put out the fires in my mind, but today I dropped the ball. My emotions run so drastically hot and cold that it worries me. I get into a heated argument with my fiance (over his lackluster "effort" to quit smoking) and I go from adoring him to wanting to hit him, wanting to scream at him and tell him how much I hate him to the core. And for that moment, I really do. I don't say or do those things, because if I don't have control over my own reactions I am reduced to the weak, childish  thing I used to be. Crazy people do those things. I'm not crazy… anymore…lol!

He called me from the bar he was meeting his friend at, to appologize for his nastiness toward me as he walked out the door. I didn't feel anything. I told him I was sorry too, because it was the right thing to say. If I had hesitated, he would have only gotten angry again.

There is a part of me that wants to fan those flames, make him angry because I know I can–because he crossed me. That part of me longs to sabotage every effort I make to remain human. I've learned to put that indignant, hateful little sprite on my shoulder in time-out, knowing that I'll be back to adoring him again in another hour, wondering why I was even angry in the first place.

Please just let this be PMS.

2 Comments
  1. rxgirl312 10 years ago

    It's good to vent. Glad you have somewhere to get it all out. We are human, it's normal for us to lose control every once in a while. When this happens just take a walk or something to cool off. Just realize that it happens from time to time and that doesn't mean that you'll go back to being how you used to be. I hope you feel better and relax a little .

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  2. xillah 10 years ago

    Thanks. I usually keep that sort of thing in mind, but I have my off days.

    ~X

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