So I'm back. I had an account on here that I used for like a month but I realized that it was my everyday sn and people could find me. I want this to be a place where I can say anything and have no fear of anyone knowing my mind.

I tried keeping a journal and through a conversation with a friend I realized that I need some one to hear even if it's strangers on the internet. I prefer strangers on the internet I lock up with people when I try to talk About my emotions even my boyfriend. Except when I try to run from him he'll grab me and not let me leave and it makes me have an immediate panic attack but he's so afraid of me running away and leaving that he refuses to let me go even as I sit there and tell him please please let me go I can't breath. I don't have many friends so there's not to many people I can turn to. I kinda prefer it that way though. There was a period in my life when everyone I know abandoned me and even though I almost killed myself in that period. I find myself craving that again. Total anomity. Right now we have someone crashing on our couch and he's been having to many people over and our other roommate just left for two months and he's pretty much the only person I can talk freely to, we got really close but tonight he asked the question what makes you think your so fucked up. And no I've been through not as much shit as you but this should not be a competition of whose more ducked up. I feel like shit always I know I have plenty fucking reasons to be happy. That doesn't mean I'll let myself be. Idk im typing this on a tablet so I want to be done now it's a pain. just fuck everything. Nothing was beautiful and everything sucked