googled sexual abuse. found some very helpful sites…one said to just feel it, write it down and talk to a therapist about it…I wrote it down. Important not to ask why, it is hard, that is the natural instinct. asking why leads to blaming yourself

I feel scared when I think about it.
I’m sitting on the floor in the corner of the bathroom. I feel confined. I feel violated, confused. I don’t understand why you want to do this. I’m afraid to say no. I go numb…..into my head…find a happy place and it’ll be over soon, I think I cry and run home. Sitting alone on the floor is comforting. I find comfort in being alone. My mom tells me not to worry about it and don’t tell anyone. I don’t want to be around anyone. I want to be alone where I’m safe. It’s not my fault. Its something that has a lasting effect on me and is serious and not to be brushed off…

It hit me why it didn’t work out with Lee….I moved out here, no family, no security, or safety net. I was scared. It hurt one time when I first moved out here and we had sex…I was scared to go out and look for work out here. Safe staying at home while he went to work. I freaked out when I broke my leg, the little girl out of control, screaming for love and affection…as soon as he was removed from my life, I felt safe and could focus and find a job. I feel safe living alone. he and his mom think I just used him for a free ride and found a job and got on my own when I had no other option. They don’t understand.

I love this blog. I can say whatever, it’s ok here. no one to put me down or judge me or feel ashamed…I hope.:sad:
They need more emotion options. I feel confused but with relief.