Sometimes I completely baffle myself. My thoughts and feelings are, at times, so random that I don't even understand where they are coming from. And one such topic that has me confused is my boyfriend's love of DJing.
It gives him confidence and he's even gotten some phone numbers, all of which he threw away. I'm usually worried about other girls but he hasn't done anything wrong and DJs always get attention whether they are good or bad, it's like they're a magnent for dumb sluts whether they want to be or not.
I feel compelled to be at least as good, if not better than all those dumb sluts humping each other for attention. I know that he couldn't honestly say that such hogs aren't even a little attractive so I set extremely high and almost entirely unreachable standards for myself and I'm not so sure that they come from a good place. They're somewhat self-destructive and negative… I know that I'm cleaner than those girls, marriage material, full of love, smart, faithful, etc. but it drives me nuts that a man could still want a girl like that, even if only a little. So I beat myself down and try to demolish who I am to create someone else over top the rubble.
But what's so confusing is why do I feel so downright depressed when he DJs? Why do I literally start crying? Even if it's just a wedding? He talks about having so much fun and I feel unimportant and uninvolved… I have never wanted to be one of those wives or girlfriends that doesn't take an interest in her partner, it's always seemed so selfish. I want to have fun with him, understand him, understand what he does and I know that this probably isn't normal.
Maybe I feel like the pleasure that I grant him isn't as good. I can't make him extremely happy, I can't make him feel excited, not like that. That level of satisfaction is something that I can't give to him and I feel like I can't share it either. Or maybe I'm lacking that sort of fulfillment in my own life and I need to find it? I don't know, this can't be normal. 🙁