I really feel like I can't face the day. I am sooo anxious, it's exhausting me. I only have enough energy to sit here and I want to go back to bed. Yesterday I forced myself to go out for a drink with this guy I just met, then go to dinner with my parents. It was easy after a few drinks. But that's just it. I can't do anything without drinking.

I don't know how I'm going to go to the store and the gym today plus finish putting up the decorations for the company tomorrow. I don't want to and I don't know if I can. It's about not having any energy. The anxiety I have is eating up every bit of strength I have and I can't even climb the stairs sometimes… I love T and S and want to see them, but can I even get up enough strength to enjoy their visit? They visit every year at Christmas time… I want to at least act sane enough to see them and not make them see that there is something horribly wrong with me.

Speaking of that, I have to ACT alll the time around my parents. I live with them, so I must pretend that I am not literally falling apart. Mom has health issues. I don't want to make them worse for her by freaking out. I want her to at least think I'm doing "OK". That's all. I don't need to be doing great, but I can't let her and Dad see that I am about to have a nervous breakdown.

Oh! And Dad is leaving next week for Europe for a few days. I have to act, act, act. If I can't be here for Mom I am truly, completely worthless. She needs me.

Why can't my brain calm down without drinking? I don't need to feel intoxicated and high to function either. I'm not lookingfor that!! I just need to calm down and be a normal person who doesn't feel like I'm going to freak out over EVERY little thing!