I was in the Gym the other day doin a Jujitsu class when I hit my head pretty hard on the mat. It didn't really hurt but I feel like my mind has been more fuzy afterwards. I feel like a hypocondriac. I didn't even get a headache or concusion but it really brought up some stuff for me. I use to snowboard a lot and get concusions and I've had just too many head injuries in my life. I feel like my depression is because I haven't taken care of myself and because of that I'm doomed to a life where I can't be as happy as regular people. Up until about a year and a half ago I was such a happy person. I feel like the stress and self critizism has become such a well conditioned part of my life that the pain of my life has permanently damamged my ability to enjoy things. I'll be watching a funny movie with my girlfriend and she'll ask, why aren't you laughing. I force a smile. I feel like I forgot how to enjoy life. Every day, being a happy person is like going to the gym. I carry a counter with me and force myself to celebrate as many things as possible while keeping count.
The two best qualities of my personality have always been that I'm a happy person with a great sense of humor and I am an intelligent guy.
Now I feel like I'm just a pathetic retard. I feel embarrassed to even hold conversations with people anymore because of how my emotions come accross.
This all has to be in my head. I'm a smart guy. My head is fine. People love talking to me. As I begin to see how quickly I can snap into the right mindset it will cause everything to feel amazing and a new world of clarity to open up. I just need to keep celebrating. No matter what, just release all the energetic ties that I have and keep celebrating.
The world needs me more than I can imagine. I owe it to everyone.