I just can't stand it. I don't know where to begin. It's come to a place when the only time I can literally stand being alive is when I'm drinking. Other than that, I am a horribly miserable person.

I should have had my hair done. Fuck the money. It might have been worth it to get me back on track. I am feeling sooo ugly, that I am eating myself into a size 12, I am just getting fatter and fatter and fatter and I can't stop. I feel like what is the point? I have no one to stay thin for, my hair is a hacked off mess… If I had gotten the hair extensions then maybe at least I would have felt prettier and joined the gym like I was planning. (That was plan #2 after getting my hair done) But instead I didn't do it, because of the MONEY. And now I am completely off track.

Next week we have workers coming at 8AM. 8AM is early to everyone, but to someone with sleeping issues, it's unbearable. My parents don't get this. I hide all of this from them, well most of it anyway, because they are old and they will get sick if I let them know how bad off I am. I have to hide it. It's like… some people with mental illness try to hide it to protect their kids. I hide it to protect my parents.

I hate Baseball anymore. I am sick of the big deal people make of ALL sports. It just irritates me. I don't need more pressures to drink more. I get drunk enough as it is without more celebrations happening. I try to distance myself from sports, but they are always on at my house and a big deal in my family.

K is disinterested. He at least was nice enough to answer my text when I thanked him again for wishing me a Happy Birthday. I just want to tell him how much I miss him. With my hair like this and being so gd FAT I can't see him anyway.

My parents do nothing but make noise, either talking or playing music or the TV, I get no rest. I have to worry about noise from the neighbors so I wear earplugs almost alll the time. It's a shock to take them out. I am becoming more and more of a recluse. I try to tell them what is wrong with me and they yell and scream at me. They just don't get it. They blame me for my depression because I won't go out and meet people or excersise or do any of the things I should do to help myself. Well I can't . I'm too tired and too depressed to do anything at all anymore. It's not getting better and I have no one supporting me.


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