I’ve tried 3 times to just get this typed. I keep wanting to write every thing down and I can’t do it right now. There is nothing in my life or the future thereof that warrants the struggle, the emptiness, the confusion, the pain that I have gone through in one manner or another for my entire life. I feel alone because I am. Literally. I only have 2 friends, my ex-husband and my 22 year old son. Neither of which are of the opinion that my state of mind is worth driving that distance, or paying those gas prices. I don’t let them know how bad it is because it’s old news and they were around when I was really crazy and suicidal. I’m not suicidal these days, which is almost as depressing as when I am. Killing myself would take way too much energy, planning, and structured thoughts… none of which I have to spare right now. I wanted to get this out so badly because it’s why I joined this site. Regardless of gas prices and long drives I believe I will have some one to talk to. That’s imparative for me right now. I also need to know they understand what I’m saying and why things are difficult in certain and specific ways. I have been explaining my conditions to people for as long as I can remember and not one word of it sinks in to the benefit of either of us. I’m pretty sure it’s because they have no point of reference and therefore fail to realize that if we…them and I…are talking about it, it’s bad, very bad. I can’t keep explaining all of it just so someone can listen. It hurts like a mother to keep doing it. I’m in that place right now and I can’t finish a complete thought without a serious struggle. But I can’t sit here alone with no one to call, no one to ask to come visit, and no one that I could go visit. This is one of the very few times that living in the foothills alone and away from anyone has the potential for disaster. If you pick this up and read it, I think what I need most if you have it to share is just knowing that we speak the same language and you’re not going to be grilling me so you can understand so I can deal. I may not be actively suicidal but I am getting real close to a very careless attitude. Thanx for reading, if you do, thanx for trying if you don’t, and most of all…Thanx for just being on this site somewhere. M

2 Comments
  1. eljay 11 years ago

    Wow girl.  I”m right there with you.  I”ve never actively thought about suicide but have you ever just had the thought, as natural as the sky is blue, that it would be a hell of alot easier just to not wake up tomorrow?  Then I feel completely ungrateful.  I have two beautiful daughters, a new grandson and a man who loves me with all of his heart.  How can I feel so empty and alone? It sounds to me like you”ve been dealing with this for a long time.  I never realized until this point in my life but i guess I was, too.  Even at my best I have actually always felt isolated.  If it helps, you aren”t alone. 

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  2. maury14 11 years ago

    Solitary,

          Hey, just wanted to let you no that you are not alone, even though I do not live alone I am lonely. I have isolated myself, and now that I am suicidal and working hard to get out of that state of mind I have no one to call, and my Hubby has no idea what to say or do so he doesn”t talk to me much at all.

    I am on this sight just like you, to talk to people who just understand!

                                                                           Maury14

     

     

     

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