Causation Factor 2. Loneliness and Sadness
DATE WRITTEN: 04/05/2024
DATE PUBLISHED: 04/06/2024
If you have read my article entitled “Causation Factor 1. Toxic Friendship,” that provides a basis on why I feel the way I do. Ever since he and I stopped being best-friends, I started feeling lonely and sad. I felt as if no one cared about me or even wanted me around. The reason why I remained best friends with him was because I had no one else who I could rely upon absolutely without fear of betrayal or lack of care.
Around the 21st day of September of 2023, I had another friend who I was close with, and who I asked for support. It took me quite some courage to entrust him, but I did gather it. I requested that he and I talk about it. The morning of the 21st, he and I embraced in about a 10 second long hug. During the hug, I felt brand new emotions. It was a feeling that I have never really felt. I felt safe, secure, protected, warm, loved, and wanted. It was such a beautiful feeling that I asked if he and I could do it again sometime. He eventually agreed to that. He and I, about a week later, hugged each other for about 5 minutes or so, and I just rested my head upon his shoulder. He stroked my back, reassured me, and I felt so much safer. The hug a week or so thereafter, it was much more of an intimate hug. He and I did light neck-kisses, but in more of a friend-like intention; reassurance perhaps. Nonetheless, it made me feel safe and secure in knowing the fact that he is and would be there for me. However, as time went on, he and I started to drift apart. He was starting to get somewhat frustrated with how I was feeling, as it seemed then I was not getting much better. Eventually, he and I stopped being friends. Now, to this day, he sees me as someone who “creeps him out.” He said that in his own words, and that he talked to an acquaintance about it.
A month later, around mid-October, I started hurting so much that I was thinking about self-harm and such. I texted my friends about how I felt, how I wanted to die, and when I wanted to die. One of them must have reported me to the school counsellor, for I was pulled out of class to talk to the counsellor. When I was first pulled, I tried lying about the situation. I denied any comments that were reported. Thereafter, I went back to class, but then about another 30 minutes later, the counsellor received screenshots of the texts, and I was pulled again to be spoken to.
At this point, the counsellor was well aware of my hiding the hurt I felt. So, she had me do a suicide-screener. She asked me a variable of questions, to which I responded in a way that would so mitigate the circumstances. I was very frightened of what might happen to me if I was deemed a severe risk. Thankfully, based on my answers, I was deemed “low-risk” for harming myself. According to state law and regulations, the counsellor had to notify my parents. This is what she responded when I had asked about confidentiality. The main reason I lied in the first place was out of the fear of my family’s reaction. I requested that she call my mom in regards to this issue.
The counsellor notified her of the contents of the conversation and the assessment, in addition, she suggested and provided links to a therapy program by the county.
About a month after this situation, around Thanksgiving, the county sent a letter regarding this to the house address. At first, I had thought it was maybe a report card or a statement of being on the honor-roll. I asked my mom if I could open it, to which she was okay with it. When I read the document, my face went pale and my blood went cold. I tried to keep it on the “down low” so as to not cause attention to this. My mom read the letter, and my dad was noticing her serious concentration thereon. So, he asked about the situation. I then tried to leave as swiftly as possible. I felt scared. I felt terrified. I felt fear. I felt ashamed. I felt horrified to say the least. They now knew how I was feeling. What was I to do? I could no longer conceal the feelings, for it is now known. During the conversation, my parents had assumed that I was feeling this way because they want me to have good morals and be a good member of society. The goal on its own is not bad per se. However, the way they go about it does not help my situation. I felt invalidated. I felt insane. I felt unreasonable. And all for how I felt. After the conversation, I went into my room, all alone, and sobbed away on my bed.
As time went on, I had gained and lost 20 friends (online) who I trusted with my life. However, they ended up leaving me due to not being able to handle my depression, me not getting better, me being too big of a burden, me not even trying, and other reasons not stated here. I felt unwanted and as if I was a lost cause. To cope with this, I created a quote. It was originally intended to cope, but now as of writing this, it now does hold true; so, it does make me feel at least somewhat better about losing this many friends. “Wheresoever you are on your journey, you will continue to make true and novel friends. It is wiser for a man to lose rather than to gain, for then and only then will you know your true friends.” And, yes, for those who do not identify as a man, feel free to insert what you do identify as when you read the quote. Anyhow, basically when you have friends, they will come and go, but it is those who stay during your darkest moments that truly care about you, or at least enough to stay with you, perhaps, they just tolerate you; it is quite difficult to navigate these waters.
As time went on, my closer relationships with people started getting somewhat strained due to my constant emotional episode and the occasional lashing out for no reason. I will admit that I did and do experience strong emotions, and sometimes I take it out on them. I do not like that fact nor do I intend to. I try so much, yet nothing seems to work. I feel really hopeless with this, for I try so hard but those friends still feel hurt. They have the right to feel hurt, it is just the fact that I do not like it. I do not like hurting them in the least bit whatsoever. I love my close friends, perhaps more than they would ever realize.
However, I have made a discovery about myself. I have done extensive research on mental conditions that could be possible. I have first found that I could possibly have Bipolar Disorder. In general, the symptoms are depressed by feeling empty or hopeless which is true for me, feeling a loss of interest in past activities which is somewhat true but not fully true, sudden weight loss or gain which is not true at all, having trouble sleeping or sleeping too much which is somewhat true due to having irregular sleep patterns, being restless or fatigued which is somewhat true but not to a high extent, loss of energy or desire which is somewhat true, feeling worthless or excessive guilt which is true, difficulty to concentrate which is true to an extent, and thinking about self harm which is true. Keep in mind that I do not feel this all the time, but sometimes, meaning like 3 or more days per week. It varies based on how a day goes for me. As I have delved further into this matter, I found that I could also possibly have Borderline Personality disorder. The symptoms are a major fear of abandonment which is very true for me, instability in relationships by thinking a person is so kind one moment then apathetic the next and so on which is somewhat true for me, changes in how you see life which is somewhat true, paranoia about things that are not actually a big deal which is true, bad impulsive decisions which is somewhat true but not often, thoughts of self harm which is true as stated above, mood swings which is true, prolonged feelings of emptiness which is true, and feelings of strong anger for no particular reason or for a tiny event which is true somewhat. Keep in mind that the extent of these conditions can vary from person to person, and that my experiences are different from you, the readers. I have also done credible screeners from assessments made by doctors themselves, and they have suggested at least a moderate chance or higher, and regarding borderline personality disorder, I have got that it is likely for me to have that condition. I am unable to actually be officially diagnosed due to having to tell parents due to laws and regulations.
I have friends who I have told about my speculations, and I am thankful to God that they still love me for who I am. Even when I do not think they love me, I at least subconsciously know that they do. I could vent to them for hours, lash out at them, and they would still love me. That does not mean I should do it intentionally, but they understand what I am going through. That is something I really do appreciate. This even more proves the quote I have said earlier in this article.
Overall, notwithstanding having friends who are always here for me and checking on me, I still feel empty and lonely, but I know for a fact that I would not be in this good of shape without them. I am trying my best with what I have. It is quite difficult, but I am trying to find my way through this perilous path. I really hope that someday I can be normal, albeit that likely not being possible.
