Time has gotten thicker within the past few days, and within the past two months that I haven't logged on, life has happened.

That first "serious" teenage boyfriend? He dumped me. Whatever. I'm getting over it. And though he did start me on regular smoking and I've craved a cigarette in the past weeks and would love such a thing, I can do without.

When we broke up, I decided to do this diet thing that I had started reading more and more about, and it's what his mom was doing. Oh, I loved his mother. So it's like raw vegetarian food and stuff, and then I'd do hardcore exercising for most days of the week. Within the first two days of the diet, I lost 8 pounds in all the right places. The fortunate metabolism of a teenager.

6 days after he dumped me, my dad came back home. He was legally not allowed to see me for 9 months, which started with CPS. That little bit of family trauma was my fault, and I didn't ever expect to see my dad back home again. I expected him to go to jail. I love him and I was horrified that I caused this, but I hoped to ignore it and maybe repay my sins through volunteerism. Or something like that. And now that he's back home, I don't know how to react.

He was home for only a few days before I left for my 18 day trip to Australia. Quite an experience, that my parents wasted too much of their money on. I went with students, and we had our own little life experiences. Due to my thrill found in rule-breaking, and excitement in drama, I'm slightly suprised I didn't do anything stupid on this trip. Slightly, for we do represent a country after all. 


But every day on that trip, I felt the intense need to die. Honestly, I'm not being a whiny kid about my ex-boyfriend. I was devasted, yes, but he was mediocre in all and I shouldn't have expected a hidden prince in the first place. But something about the trip triggered something. How much of a waste I am, mixed in with these little jewels of people. Some of the kids were quite ignorant, yes, but everyone is in their own ways. Especially me.

When I came back home, the feeling intensified even more. With my jetlag keeping me up all night, and seeing my parents pretend to ignore the past 10 months, it's cracking something deep inside, and I don't know why. But every day since I've come back on that trip, I've wanted to shoot a bullet through my skull.

It's not like before. Where I though about suicide when I was 12, and I thought "no, I can't. I have school. I have that friend. My parents will get bad rep. I'll get talked about when I'm dead. I have stuff to do. Maybe life isn't that bad." But I'm feeling now is pain…over what? I don't know. It's spontaneous, built out of nothing. And I want to scream.

I don't trust therapists anymore. I don't trust female teachers. I don't trust doctors. I don't trust counselors. Sometimes, I wish I did. But there are certain women that just make me…angry, thinking about them. Like the TV show…Law & Order, SVU…I detest that main character, more than anything. I don't know why. I also find it incredibly hard to talk with girls my age. Or girls in general. Our small talk is just so awkward and full of rules. I feel more free when I talk with the opposite sex, because a bear is a bear, a pipe is a pipe.

We've gotten a new dog, he was rescued from an immigrant who didn't realize he was treating his animals cruelly. I feel bad for his daughter, who's around my age. The news went on the front page (because our newspaper is horrible at getting actual scoops) and they've gotten a lot of bad publicity. But we rescued a dog, and we named him after an internet "star," Kingsley.

So now I'm back. Going to apply for jobs…eventually. Going to get my permit eventually. And do my AP summer homework. Volunteer. And type, type, type away on the computer. I have to repair relationships with my female friends, because…I've lived here 2 years and I only have two female friends that I fairly trust. I spent too much of last year keeping to myself and thinking about my father. Now…this is it.

I haven't smoked marijuana in quite a few months, and it's a popular thing to do here. I found comfort in it, but I suppose it's for the best. And I'd rather not get in trouble if I have to take a THC screening. I haven't had alcohol for quite a while, either.

Now. I just want to be happy.

Perhaps, all I even want right now is to feel happy.

But I don't know. We'll see how it goes.