Nothing seems to be changing, things are the same. Days pass and i cant even tell night from day anymore , im struggling with things that use to be easy. I get so angry sometimes and i just cant help but hurt myself , i dont tell anyone in real life how i feel. Its simply impossible, i cant fined the words. I struugling with even telling my counsellor whats wrong. I hold back tears because they make me feel weak , like the pain is real. I try so hard to convince myself that all this is imaginary, maby even a horrible dream and one day ill wake up , but i dont. I have so many scars from cutting all the time. Its hard to even look at myself anymore, it kills me to see that im real and all of this is real. People tell me to hard on myself, maby i am. I hate what i look like, i feel chubby, its hard to take a compliment from people because i dont agree with with them when they same im pretty, when i manage to look in the miror i want to cry and starve myself even more, i gain then loose weight constently, it makes me isane. so i just dont eat sometimes, and other times i just dont care, i use to jog every morning and now i can barelly find the inner strength to get out of bed. Things are realy getting of of hand latly. I get angry then take it out on myself , i hit myself and cut myself, sometimes because i feel like i deserve the pain and other times to distract myself from inner pain. Its immediate relese from built up emotions. I wish i could run away from my aunts house , from everyone. i hate being at home bc my dad hurts me sometimes, i wish id just disapear, i see no point in living anymore , i cut and cry until im numb and fall asleep. im just hoping one day ill fall asleep cutting and never wake up to see the light of day again.

So dear "Life" you win …. i am drained from all hapiness, hope, and life. I cannot fight anymore , im too weak, i might have just enough strength to end this all, and hopefully the pain will stop.

Id love to live , but this is not living, its being alive and slowly dying on the inside.


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