Right now I don’t know how I’m managing to type as once again my eyes are full of tears…[br]

One minute everything is perfect and I have things to look forward too and I feel that my life is getting back on track, then the next minute BOOM!
The happiness disappears, James keeps blowing hot and cold on me and I don’t know where I stand with him anymore.[br]

I have been anxious ALL night and the feelings in my tummy just won’t go away I think that is mainly due to my dog Amber being ill, bless her she’s 16 years old now, she’s been in my life since she was a puppy and I love her so much, The thought of losing her terrifies me I have to take yet another trip to the vets with her tomorrow because tonight I noticed she had blood in her urine so I phoned the Emergency line and spoke to the on duty vet who happened to be the vet who saw her the other week, he says it’s nothing to worry about and it sounds like she has an infection but to take her to the surgery tomorrow so he can examine her again. I don’t know what I would do if I lost her :no: [br]

I feel so confused and alone again tonight, so many bad thoughts running through my head I feel like …. Well I don’t really know what I feel like to be honest, I just feel numb!!!! I’m 22 in March and I feel I have wasted so much of my life I don’t see a future so what’s the point in living!? Sometimes I wish my family would hate me so then it would make it easier for me to just end things. [br]

After my attempt to end things in November I have felt nothing but heartache, guilt and anger. part of me feels guilty for putting my family through all that and the other part of me feels angry for doing it but yet the other part of me feels angry for failing…..I always seem to fail at everything, I can’t even kill myself properly!
How stupid is that!? Even typing this I feel stupid [br]

It’s 4:45 am James is asleep on the other sofa and Amber is asleep on the floor by the window I catch my self looking at them BOTH to make sure they’re still breathing, I wish this fear of death would leave me, but yet I don’t have a fear about myself dying…Then again I sort of do it’s like I want to kill my self but I don’t want to die. What is that supposed to mean?[br]

I don’t even understand my own thoughts anymore.
Who am I? I used to know the answer to that question but now When I ask myself that question…I just go blank. I wish the tears would stop, I just want someone who cares to just hold me and tell me everything is ok and I want to be able to believe them. [br]

Someone please make the tears stop.
Please someone, anyone Help me! What have I done that is so bad? Am I being punished for something? Is this a test? If it is then I am failing once again, I’m not strong enough for all this, I’m so weak. I can’t fight this much longer, I don’t know how to fight it. I just want the thoughts to go away, and the tears to stop! I just want to be me again….thats not too much to ask it!?

1 Comment
  1. horseman 15 years ago


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