Last night was a bad night for me. I was feeling so low, so depressed I didn’t know where to turn. I just shut down. I came online, but my conversations were mostly one or two word answers. I think I got a few thinging that were coming my way, and I’m not surprised. I bring things on myself, and there is no point pointing the finger at anyone.
I went to bed at around 2am. I was going to stay up and talk to a friend, but I just couldn’t bring myself to stay up any longer. I curled up in my bed and cried myself to sleep. Many different thoughts and ideas ran through my head, from suicide to just running away to living my life in bed and never leaving the bedroom again. In the midst of all this I must have fell asleep at around 3-4am. I could have got up and got back on the computer, but I just couldn’t bring myself to even move. I just wanted to lay in bed forever.
I woke up to mum on the phone. It sounds like my friend has decided to keep the baby, rather than have an abortion. I’m glad.
I only left the house to go to the supermarket, while mum was doing the grocery shopping, I found my way to the hair dye section, and I brought myself some very dark brown dye. I colourd my hair this evening. It looks almost black. I know your not meant to do anything drastic during an emotional time, but I don’t care. I like the new colour. It kinda suits the dark place I am in my life at the moment.
I still don’t feel good. I feel like i’m spinning, and when I stop i’m going to be dizzy and fall on my face. Being optimistic is so hard.
I brought some shorts yesterday. I should have tried them on, and now they don’t fit. No surprise there. So today I have hardly ate anything. I don’t feel like eating. I don’t feel like doing anything. Not even drinking, so i guess thats a good thing.
I bring on everything myself. I wish i could change how I am. I wish i could trust people.