Sexuality and sexual orientation is not something regularly discussed in my extremely conservative, Afrikaans (a South-African Culture) and Christian family. It’s mostly considered taboo to even mention sex or any other topic that does not adhere to the social norm of Afrikaans-people in general.
Growing up I knew that. I knew when people didn’t conform to the rules society set them the adults would talk in frowning hushed tones so that the children would not eavesdrop on the gossip about other people’s comings and goings. I imagine that they were afraid that it would pollute their children. It was considered rude and inappropriate to discuss such matters with my parents, other family members and other adults. My point being is that growing up in a small, conservative country town I never had experience and little knowledge of the gay community, sex and sexuality. Obviously when I went to high school I quickly learned what sex was by listening to what the boys were saying in the halls between classes and sex education was part of the curriculum so I had to learn and hear about it in class. The church also had a role in conditioning me that sex was immoral and sinful. The thing is, it makes conservative people uncomfortable to discuss sex, or at least people in my town. So, I was quite uncomfortable to talk about it to others and I did not want to understand sex let alone explore my own sexual identity and sexuality.
Looking back I should’ve seen it coming..I didn’t really think about it that much, though. I only knew that I though boys were gross and that I kissed my friend Claire in grade 4 (10 years old), because I thought she looked pretty. There were much more pressing matters for my “pre-puberty” self to worry about like sports or whatever I was interested in as a kid.
Post-puberty was another thing entirely. I Knew I wasn’t like my friends when it came to dating and matters of the heart. I’ve never had a crush on a boy in my life (I am currently 19). My friends and siblings would always ask me who I fancy and I would reply no one. Of course, they pestered me to rack my brain for some sliver of a feeling and my thoughts would finally settle on a guy who had a nice face and I could get along with or a guy I didn’t particularly dislike. Just to get every one off my back. I did not have feelings for that person but I was sure that if I got to know him love would just smack me in the face. Unfortunately, that never happened. I couldn’t understand what the fuss was about. Why my friends were swooning over some guy with stubble and a nice car. I didn’t get it. I’ve dated guys, but I did not like touching them or kissing them. I would deliberately avoid contact and not let them kiss me. The company I enjoyed though. There was nothing wrong with the talking part of the relationship, we had it down to a science. But to be brutally honest I hated every moment of being in a relationship, because it wasn’t a relationship at all, it was a friendship and nothing more. I was starting to feel lonely and depressed, because I didn’t have the courage to talk to anyone about it. It bothered me more than you can imagine that I didn’t like boys.
It’s amazing how easy it is to trick yourself in to believing something that isn’t true. For 4 years I convinced myself that I was a straight girl whilst I was deliberately researching the gay community, movies, artists, writers, gay celebrities and all the other weird things most lesbians google (every lesbian closeted or not, has googled: Lesbian series, how to spot a lesbian, lesbian movies, top 10 gay couples and or has watched the L word/ Lip service/ Fingersmith) 😉 I was doing all that and I still thought I was straight.I was between 16 and 17 when I admitted to myself that I’m queer. I cried for like 45 minutes. I was coming out to myself. I was letting go of the dreams my parents and family and I had about how my life should look like and what I thought I wanted. I was scared and I didn’t know what to do about it. Or what quality of life I could have. So, I hid it, I hid who I am. I hid the best part of me, the part that wanted to give love and be loved in return.
It’s been two years since then, and I’m taking baby steps to be the person I want to be: Happy, Queer and Proud.
