So, today wasn't sort of in the middle. wasn't horrible but it wasn't good either. Had alot ofhard thoughts when it came to eating and what I ate. but I also feel worse when I do eat.

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I did go tot he gym tonight, I was there until closing again. burned a good amount of calories tonight. it's a bit awkward because the receptionist knows me by face now

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and was saying "are you coming tomorrow" I said "Yeah, I am" "great! see you tomorrow!" now…I know this is normal to most people, little convo's like this, but it was a HUGE fear and strain to me.

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So i'm alittle happy I handled it without completely making a fool of myself or breaking down. I did critise myself afterwards though, but whatever.

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I'm praying this water retetion will start to go away soon now, it's really damging my body image more so then usual. I hate it. and it's uncomfortable.

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I'm also sad but glad that I won't be at my cousin's wedding tomorrow in Atlanta. I'm sad because he's my favorite cousin and has been so supportive, he's amazing.

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The ONLY reason i'm glad i won't be there is because of how I look right now. I CAN'T allow anyone to see me. I feel so different from the last time they saw me, the skeleton I was. I miss it.

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I know that's fucked up, but I just do okay? end of story. I'm still under weight but not where I was if that makes sense.

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but anyway so yeah, I'm sad I won't be there for him. and his soon to be wife apparently wants to meet me (i haven't met her face to face yet. i've talked to her though) which terrifies me. what if she rejects me? thinks i'm repulsive?

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So, another mixed feeling about not wanting to be there. but I did send him the best wishes and that he and her have a wonderful and blessed day tomorrow.

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as you know, weekend always put be in a funk. more then usual. I don't know what it is about them but there so long and unproductive and all the family fighting too just sinks in and holds a death grip.

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The only thing I looked forward to is Doctor Who and I believe the new season of the walking dead starts this weekend? I hope so…and AHS starts soon…I forgot when though..hmmm…

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anyway, Hope you all had a good friday. and lets pray for a calm weekend shall we? doesn't have to be perfect- I know it won't be- but atleast a calm one.

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Have a goodnight. talk to you tomorrow.