I can't allow myself to be happy about the 45lbs I have lost so far since Feb. All I can think about is how out of control I feel. I think I'm starting to develop an eating disorder because I'm so out of control with my eating. I've been binging and totally hating myself.
I was doing so well for a while. Actually feeling a little better about myself and now I have fallen into a severe depression because I cannot control myself. I have been buying clothes that I cannot afford because my old clothes are now too big and I'm so self conscious about my weight and appearance again.
My social anxiety has actually gotten worse since I started losing weight and I thought losing weight was going to make me feel better. For some naive reason I thought as soon as I started to lose weight my anxiety would get better because I wouldn't feel so bad about being so fat in public and standing out.
But now I'm realizing that no matter how much weight I lose, my anxiety is still going to be there and on top of it I'm going to have so much resentment toward the people who notice me and have something to say about it. I don't know how to handle things when I get positive attention for losing the weight because I hate attention anyway.
Losing this weight is something that I have always wanted to feel better about myself but instead it's making me realize how much being fat has helped me hide from the society that I am so afraid of.