So…um…I wasn't sure if I was actually going to talk about it because it's so complex….Then again what ISN'T complex?
Before I get to that topic though, Here's how the day went-
Again everything was 'fine' with mom and dad, it's as if the fight never happened and the family charade was back on. *rolls eyes* so you know all about that, so I won't bother going into a rant about it.
I was forced back out into the world today, We went around waterford lakes center to a few different stores, So during this I was trying to force down the panic attack that was hanging over me, as well as trying not to pass out from complete exhaustion.
So needless to say when we DID finally get home, I was SO relieved, I even fell asleep for alittle bit which is so rare. and got out of dinner so all I had to say was "Yeah, I ate" and case closed.
But, I feel like such an outside, a freak because again I checked my facebook (I don't know why I even have one, It's so useless to me) and I see how great a summer everyone is having, together with friends and they actually have a life.
Then kim and maddie posted pics of metrocon, and I almost cried because again they are having such fun together, with others, doing cosplay, going to the beach with friends and just…having a life.
And I'm stuck at home, on this damned computer to scared of people to actually do anything about it, I can't even bring up to courage to ask if they want to do something with me (like hang out and whatever) Because I don't want to be a burden to them.
They are pretty, and amazing, and just everything i'm not. So why would they want to hang out with an ugly, cut up, useless person like me? When they can hang out with other pretty and fun people.
I wouldn't be surprised if they wake up one day and decide what Ali did, and just dump me as their friend.
Alright…I'm going to stop now, Because this wasn't the topic I want to talk about it in the first place, So on to the topic I was thinking of before…
Everyone- well more like normal unfreaky people like me- has a crush on someone once in their life right?
Well, I can't really describe this feeling, Usually I just 'like' anime characters and band members, but who doesn't? But there's this one guy, Griffion, I've known him since the sixth grade.
I can never tel what he's actually thought of me, and me being me, I'm always quite in classes and look down, just to do anything not to attract any attention. Griffion on the other hand is a people person, he like knows everyone if you know what I mean.
At times though, if I was upset because of bullying he'd say something to try to comfort me, Like one time when I was called an "ostrich" (my last name is bird) so i'm already a target for my other problems and of course my last name.
Anyway, then other times he'd say something that I feel hurt my feelings or would cause me into a panic attack, or I feel like i'd be doing something stupid and he might laugh at me (I've never seen him do this) but what if he does behind my back?
Cause one girl said that he did, or one time he was shooting rubber bands and it hit me in the head (not sure if he aimed them towards me or it was just an accident)
and, Though on the outside I'd show my dislike for him, and annoyance on the inside I couldn't help but feel something, because someone like him was actually taking the time to try to talk to me, to compliment my drawings (though I don't like compliments)
and when I was in the hospital, My teacher had made a card for 6th period to write, and he said he missed his 'table buddy' in English class, but again what if this is all just joke to him? and he doesn't mean it?
It's always one thing or another, and I don't know if I can trust him. always, once in middle school we were in science class and he had said that me and him would 'make-out' behind the hallway during lunch (which WASN'T true)
and so I went into a panic attack because this caused the attention to fall on me, and I had to make up an excuse to go to the bathroom and cry. or when I'd have bad asthma attacks it was embarrassing, while I was out of the room the teacher had to explain why i'd be making those noises, which I think only made it worse.
It also scared me, because earlier this year I was in the bathroom having a breakdown, and I cursed at myself, telling myself exactly how I felt and that I was awful, and ugly and I deserved everything that has happened. and I ended up cutting at that time as well.
When I calmed down and walked out, I saw griffion. He had this un-readble expression on his face, I really think he did hear that though, and so I panicked and ran off.
Anyway, at times he jokes with me, at other times those jokes can be hurtful or he says something that will cause me to cut. then at other time he saves me (example- The teacher had asked me to speak for my group and I was literally about to hurl at the thought of speaking infront of everyone, Griffion asked if I wanted him to speak instead, I only nodded my head and silently cried)
and he will be my way out for a situation, Even though he thinks (I think he does anyway) I don't like him or find him annoying it's not exactly true, I want to trust him but part of me is holding myself back because I don't want to be an idiot and do something that will cause more pain.
So it's like half and half about my feelings towards Griffion and I don't know what to do, One thing I do know is even if he did want to truly be my friend (which I know is a lie, so I won't get my hopes up) I know he'd NEVER 'love' me, he'd laugh in my face and go tell his friends.
I'm SO stupid, I'm not even capable of this 'love' thing, So why bother thinking about it? it only gets me upset and adds to the fact I'm an outside, A loser, and that if I die no one would ******** care…!
Ugh…Alright i'm gonna stop now, I hope everyone else is doing okay…See you later I guess.