A: contaminated hand touched wall before getting washed

B: what if my parents die from coronavirus on the wall?

D: it’s not going that high risk; no one touches that part of the wall; you barely touched that part of the wall; risk of you actually carrying anything from going outside to jog is already low.

E: don’t sanitize the wall.

What I did: gave it and sanitized the wall.

….

A: washed my hands for probably shorter than 20 seconds (though still at least 10 seconds i would imagine); then touched faucets; then washed them a little more.

B: what if there is coronavirus on the faucets?

D: my parents and i have already agreed that unless we are in a very high-risk situation we will not worry about the faucets. The situation here was low risk; touched my mask which had been outside, a little near to people in a public park but mostly not near anyone; washed my hands a little already….

E; don’t sanitize the faucets

….

A: What if Natasha is mad at me because i was getting too worried/OCD about it all/triggering her?

D: that could be true. but she’s going to forgive you. you have to take a step back and let both of you cool down. You SHOULD talk to her.

A: what if I apologize and that’s not the right thing to do, because then she gets sick?

D: it’s STILL up to her. What you need to do is just understand better how she feels, and also forgive yourself for your panic and for the trickiness of the situation….and not imply there WAS a right or wrong answer when it was always murky.

A: what if I’m totally wasting all my time this week and don’t even realize how unproductive I’ve been being? and how few people i’m helping?

D: you’re growing a lot this week, and it’s going to help you in the future. Keep actually dedicating yourself to growth.

What I did: ….

Feelings: A desire to honor the stories shared with me by getting them out in the world—not just pick and choose to serve my purpose. A desire to let people know their voices and their stories matter and deserve to be told.  Fear, worry about Natasha. contentment, and sadness for feeling contentment when others are suffering so so much. urgency–a feeling that i need to get this story out AsAP or else it will no longer be relevant/useful…and at the same time, a desire to keep living a balanced life. fear of burning the collards!

Gratitude: for my safety, for my family’s safety, that i have a way to be sheltered and fed and meet my basic needs, that there are so many good people out there trying to work for the betterment of others, for getting to feel useful, for Natasha’s gorgeousness and beauty and thoughtfulness, for the beauty of the spring.

did yesterday’s visualization happen?: mostly , yes, although i do still feel a degree of anxiety about Natasha’s situation that prevents me from seeing it completely clearly.But mostly yes.

Visualization: i get through this week, putting in about 40 hours of work, having made progress on my mental health journey, and feeling calm, grateful, and capable of living with fear and unknowns. i give myself some space from the issue with Natasha, give us a chance to check in with each other later; I call my aunt linda to see how SHE is doing; i try to give some loving attention to my father by reading that article; i get back in the habit of reading. i continue exercising and supporting friends, but don’t feel like I have to save anyone. my life feels intentional, measured, loving, not driven by distraction OR by a sense of guilt or duty.