I just spent a while looking at apartments on-line. It would be so wonderful to escape.
I'm tired of doing erp, I'm tired of having to hide my rituals, I'm tired of feeling the need to hide my rituals, I'm tired of trying to "be good", I'm tired of failing at this.
My bf talked to me this evening about how I was filling the garbage with wipes. He exagerates how much, but I let that go. I explained how it wasn't for the ritual he thought it was, but for a new one. I hadn't told him about the new one cuz he'd only get disappointed and frustrated and maybe mad. I try as hard as I can to hide my rituals cuz I know he will judge me.
Why do I care? He just gets crabby and goes and pouts and won't speak to me. But I hate disappointing people and I hate confrontation and I hate that uncomfortable-ness. Just smooth things over to keep everything peaceful!
I have been working on erp for over 2 years now, and while I have carved out some touchable space in the world and made my day-to-day life no longer a living hell, I have not done enough.
I still avoid. I still believe that most everything is contaminated. I chicken out from harder exposures. I constantly oversleep.
I am torn up inside between feeling like I have fought well and won some battles and feeling like a complete failure. I cannot do enough. I cannot meet my therapist's expectations. I tried to try my best but it is not enough. Not fast enough. Not fast enough.
My bf complains that I don't let him have people over to our home. He complains that I don't want him to put certain things in certain seats of his car. And all I think to myself is Good God! If I made you do all the things I wish you'd do…. I don't stop him from going places, or make him shower when he gets home… I ask him not to touch me with the oven mitt. I ask him not to go in my room – he has no reason to go in there anyway. There are so many things that I no longer use or do because I let him contaminate them. Silently let him do whatever he wants so to keep the peace, even tho it means my usable world shrinks that much more. He has no concept of space and how he interacts with it.
I need to grow a spine.
I know I am failing, but I can't fix that. Not like everyone wants me to.
And I want to just say to bf when he gets impatient: "Fine. If you aren't happy, leave." Or just take my tiny collection of safe stuff and go myself. Then he won't have to "live in my world" and he can do whatever he wants and I won't have to sneek around in my own home for fear of judgement.
Except I can't pack my other unsafe stuff. I'd have to ask my family to do it, and that's not right.
All this said, my bf is NOT abusive or anything like that. He has a good heart. But he is stubborn and wants things to be a certain way and has almost zero patience with ocd. He was the same way with his brother when his brother had depression many years ago. He just wants us to "deal with it".
And I hate being judged.
I'm just tired of not being enough.