I just spent a while looking at apartments on-line. It would be so wonderful to escape.

 

I'm tired of doing erp, I'm tired of having to hide my rituals, I'm tired of feeling the need to hide my rituals, I'm tired of trying to "be good", I'm tired of failing at this.

 

My bf talked to me this evening about how I was filling the garbage with wipes. He exagerates how much, but I let that go. I explained how it wasn't for the ritual he thought it was, but for a new one. I hadn't told him about the new one cuz he'd only get disappointed and frustrated and maybe mad. I try as hard as I can to hide my rituals cuz I know he will judge me.

 

Why do I care? He just gets crabby and goes and pouts and won't speak to me. But I hate disappointing people and I hate confrontation and I hate that uncomfortable-ness. Just smooth things over to keep everything peaceful!

 

I have been working on erp for over 2 years now, and while I have carved out some touchable space in the world and made my day-to-day life no longer a living hell, I have not done enough.

 

I still avoid. I still believe that most everything is contaminated. I chicken out from harder exposures. I constantly oversleep.

 

I am torn up inside between feeling like I have fought well and won some battles and feeling like a complete failure. I cannot do enough. I cannot meet my therapist's expectations. I tried to try my best but it is not enough. Not fast enough. Not fast enough.

 

My bf complains that I don't let him have people over to our home. He complains that I don't want him to put certain things in certain seats of his car. And all I think to myself is Good God! If I made you do all the things I wish you'd do…. I don't stop him from going places, or make him shower when he gets home… I ask him not to touch me with the oven mitt. I ask him not to go in my room – he has no reason to go in there anyway. There are so many things that I no longer use or do because I let him contaminate them. Silently let him do whatever he wants so to keep the peace, even tho it means my usable world shrinks that much more. He has no concept of space and how he interacts with it.

 

I need to grow a spine.

 

I know I am failing, but I can't fix that. Not like everyone wants me to.

 

And I want to just say to bf when he gets impatient: "Fine. If you aren't happy, leave." Or just take my tiny collection of safe stuff and go myself. Then he won't have to "live in my world" and he can do whatever he wants and I won't have to sneek around in my own home for fear of judgement.

 

Except I can't pack my other unsafe stuff. I'd have to ask my family to do it, and that's not right.

 

All this said, my bf is NOT abusive or anything like that. He has a good heart. But he is stubborn and wants things to be a certain way and has almost zero patience with ocd. He was the same way with his brother when his brother had depression many years ago. He just wants us to "deal with it".

 

And I hate being judged.

 

I'm just tired of not being enough.

 

3 Comments
  1. Catoptromancy 8 years ago

    You said something really important without meaning to, I think.  You said you can't meet your therapist's expectations.  Your therapist is there to meet YOUR expectations.  And you are there to meet YOUR expectations.  As for your boyfriend…living with someone with OCD is difficult.  It really is.  And technically, he's not supposed to contribute to it as per The OCD Workbook.  That said, I think you would do better on your own right now.  Gain some confidence and be who you are.  Trying to be somebody else for someone else is…not the recipe for happily ever after.  Find you…then find a man.  Best of luck.

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  2. Dent838 8 years ago

    Hey Kyla.  It's so tough to maintain a relationship when OCD is constantly attacking.  Your partner does something that isn't in your own comfort zone and the alarms go off.  You have to decide whether to ask them to change their ways or just say nothing and let your mind go berzerk, knowing you'll have to clean things up later. 

    I don't know what the answer is for you.  Maybe you really should find your own place for now.  It sounds like you've made some great progress, but maybe living with someone is hurting more than helping at the moment.

    But try to hang in there.  It's tiring to deal with this, but it can get better.

    (Btw, I still say we're twins separated at birth.    I had to laugh at your putting things in certain car seats.  I have exactly 3/4 of one car seat that is still clean enough to put groceries on it.  If that gets contaminated I'm going to have to roll a shopping cart to my house!)

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  3. onemore 8 years ago

    Your boyfriend needs to understand that you have an illness. Would he be this insensitive to a cancer patient? An alzheimer’s patient? Someone with heart disease? Then why is it okay for him to give you crap about your illness? OCD is a medical condition, and if you wouldn’t take grief for the other illnesses I listed, then you shouldn’t take grief for your OCD.  

     

    I really sympathize with a lot of the things you said. I try to be nice, and people are just completely inconsiderate in return. They don’t realize how severe the OCD is because I’m constantly trying to put on a nice face and cover up my feelings. Sometimes you have to stop putting up a facade and act just as “disfunctional” as you really feel. At that point, people may start to grasp the severity of your suffering. 

     

    I really hope for the best for you. Try to make your boyfriend understand that OCD isn’t just about observable compulsions; it’s also about all the fear that comes with them. 

     

     

     

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