So I made an appointment with a doctor to talk about OCD who knows about pure o. And that's good.

However I am having a huge panic attack and have been depressed all day because of something I just remembered and was hoping maybe you could give me your input on it?

About 2-3 years ago in December I was sitting on a crowded train in an aisle seat. It was freezing out so I had a hoodie and coat on and since I was in the seat by the aisle, anyone walking by would brush against me. Seeing that a kid was approaching and knowing that would freak me out if they did brush past me with their poofy coat on I drew my arms in and closed my eyes. When that happened I either imagined what it would be like and figured "That's not so bad, that's kind of nice!" but not in a sexual way, just, oh, that's soft I guess but nothing weird. And then I remember suddenly releasing my arms from drawing them in so they actualyl did brush against me as they passed and I cannot fathom why I'd let that happen. Like… it wasn't sexual as far as I can remember, I can't recall anything sexual about it. I didn't want the kid or anything to do with them. But right as they approached and just after worrying about ti, I suddenly put my arms back down and boom it happened and I promptly freaked the fuck out like "Why did I do this!?"

It's killing me because I *know* I had no interest in this kid, on the contrary I was trying to avoid behavior that would make me upset. So I purposely pulled my arms in so they didn't brush against my jacket/arm. Then as they approach I suddenly PURPOSELY put them out.

I don't get it, my brain was telling me "Don't let them brush against you, it will freak you out, you know how that would upset you." Then after having some thought that the brushing coats might actually just be a normal/nice sensation (again, NOT for sexual reasons) then I purposely put them out. Or I did it for no reason.

So I either:
A) Just suddenly put my arms back down for no reason and the child's coat brushes mine.
B) I thought the feeling of a big puffy jacket brushing past my jacket/hoodie covered arm would be nice/soft but not sexual and then put my arms out and let it happen on purpose

Even those things not necessarily being sexual still scare me. I can't fathom why I did that or let that happen.

1 Comment
  1. laurzaffle 8 years ago

    My best advice from experience is don't over think your past. I know its hard but I seriously almost had a nervous breakdown ruminating about my past. I know it is scary because you want a concrete answer but your mind is playing games with you. Intrusive thoughts make us look under every stone behind every door and there is never an answer. I'm sorry for the way you feel right now and I hope your doc appt goes well stay strong.

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