Hi folks, I haven't been on in probably months and the reasons are myriad. I always liked to think of myself as the class clown and the one to keep the mood up and bright, but increasingly I found it impossible to fill my old role.

I didn't broadcast it, but last summer after finally getting to visit my mother for her 88th birthday, I finally admitted that I had a perscription drug habit. The drug in mention was Ritalin which my doctor had perscribed about eveven years ago as a general bandaid for fatigue and also for suspected a.d.d….

Fast forward to about 2 1/2 years ago when I began my HIV regimen and I gradually began to abuse the drug, using it more and more as a mood elevator and to stay up all night writing, talking to friends…blogging etc.

At my habits worse last summer, I was crushing and snorting up to 8 tablets a day…Keep in mind that the basic chemical component of this drug is metamphetamine. You do the math…At the worst of it, I found that I couldn't even so something as go to the grocery store without a dose. Even now I'm amased that I didn't have an accident on the freeway as my reflexes were so hyper elevated. There were nights when I thought that my heart was going to pop and it felt like the proverbial elepahant sitting on my chest…

Not long before my visit to see my mother, Carly Haim died. Oddly enough it was the beginning of a wakeup call even though he was only in his early 40s and was supposedly "clean" at the time…I began to get the feeling that my luck was going to rum out if I didn't find a way to stop.

BUT every time I would go nearly a week without and just begin to get a glimmer of functioning without it…damned if I wouldn't find yet another bottle of the stuff that I had squirreled away! In total, I must have had eigght to tem botteles hidden away. I would find one and think " I'll just hang on to this one so that I'll have a few for a rainy day when I'm feeling really tired or blue and non-productive. BUT the thing about addiction is that you can't just "do one"…or at least I couldn't . Within a few days the entire bottle would have gone up my nose and I'd be shaky annd sick again. That's when I had to finally admitI was a frikin addict. No better than anyone who scored on the street. My addiction just happened to be legal and "clean stuff". Nice rationalization yes?

Did I go to AA or NA meetings…or meth annonomous? No….I just didn't renew it after the last excess…Retching into the toilet and flushing the few remaining tabs…they were gone…

I don't want to amke it sound easy…I went through and STILL go through some pretty terrible anxiety attacks when I'm alone. Sometimes when I'm in public I get panicked and want to blot through the crowd at the subway station or the supermarket…that feeling of heart racing and bloodpressure going haywire that a panic attack brings…and here , nearly 6 months later, I'm still having trouble with mood swings and depression…I'm fairly sure all of these issues where there all along and I was just masking it all with the Ritalin….no, I'll just go and say it : the Speed.

Does anyone know when and if all these repercussions end? I realize that I've probably more than fried many a brain synapsis and have probaby my hypothalmus along with it all. Studies show that people who do cocaine, meth and similar drugs damage specicic areas of the brain that may never recover and they are much more prone to chronic depresssion….I suppose that I'm wondering if it ever ends..does it really get better?

My doctor asked me recently if I was depressed or entertained suicidal thoughts and true to form I joked " No, but I do have homicidal thoughts…but only on the freeway." He must have seen something in my demenor although I'm pretty good at covering any negative attitudes…He went on to tell me that they now offer "counseling" there….I'm just not the kind of person to spill my guts to a stranger although in this case I't might be easier if the person has absolutely nothing invested in me personally….I'm old enough that I still have the stigma of being labeled mentally ill if I seek help…and worse still, I think I'm aftrad I will turn into one of those people whose every other sentence begins with " My threapist says…." LOL

Well, I should feel a bit better after venting all of this but the truth is…I don't. I'm going to have to take another trip to Florida and soon because my mother is passing into the last stages of Alzheimer's…She was just moved from an Assisted Living Home to the hospital last week ….this as as a segue to the Convalescent Home where in all likelihood she won't leave this time…In this place she doesn't have a phone by her bed and the caregivers have to weel her out in the hall to the nearest phone…She has nearly lost the cognitive ability to say more than a few words strung together in response to me and definetly can not carry on a conversation…Our conversations usually consist of me telling her about the weather here and what the garden looks like …she can barely respond with " I love you " anymore

I really thought that I was going to handle this better when this time came but it had dragged up every memory and demon of every friend I ever lost in the past 20 years….My wonderful husband is up to his ass in alligators managing that restaurant that keeps a roof over our heads. He is perpetually exhausted and the last thing I want to do is weigh him with somthing else he has no control over…Have I ever mention that he is on statins and bloodpressure meds and had a "mild" heart attack four years ago at the age of 45….yeah. 45…If Ilost him I would truly hang it all up so I can't stress him out with this.

Well friends, thanks for letting me unload…It was free and no therapist involved! Hope I haven't brought you too down because it wasn't my style when I used to come on here!

Love and Bear hugs, Loki