I find myself wondering what life would be like if I had the love for life I see others exude. I understand the feeling isn’t constant and life is a mix of emotions. But what does it feel like to wake up and be happy to see the sun?
I have a feeling this blog will mainly be venting/b*tching so just a head’s up. I thought I had experienced all of the possible forms depression could take: severe periods, dysthymic periods, the level where suicidal thoughts form and even attempts occur and the time when self-harm seems to be a twisted immediate solution. I don’t recall having had a time where all but one of the above scenarios have happened concurrently. The only thing I don’t find appealing at the moment is self-harm but the night is young and “happy” hour is in its prime. Thank…some higher thing my parents have never read any of my blogs or know the extent the darkness or severity the entries can reach. I imagine the emotional anguish would be taxing on their psyche. Like I have mentioned in past blogs, my parents don’t have first-hand experience with this… succubus (this word is not in my day-to-day vocabulary but it seems very accurate at this point).
I went to church yesterday…I can’t say I felt better for that choice. Last night…my mother was pressuring me again about doing something (like taking an online course…). Along with that…tension, she had also been drinking. So, with that said, I again feel guilty. She kept saying she sees so much potential in me…I couldn’t bring myself to believe her. I was denying it—silently of course—vigorously. I wanted so badly to come clean with my current mental battles.
The feelings of stagnation are slowly driving me insane!! Even now, as I–once again–try and put my jumbled thoughts and emotions into words, I am overcome with fatigue. I haven’t been fighting against the naps as I was asked to do by my NP…I guess this coping skill is my go-to.
My parents are going on an anniversary trip to Florida in a little less than two weeks…in some ways I dread being alone and in others, I feel obligated to suffer…they have every right to celebrate their 30th anniversary…who am I to complain after all of the s*it I have put them through? If it weren’t for the pets, I’d seek ways to make the time go away…and so much more for that matter…