Well, last night I hung out at my cousin Mattys house, for the most part, I was okay… he and Randall, help take my mind off my "ticks" by joking around, watching a movie …. than Matty baked a cake, he’s a really good baker, but it’s always trying for me to eat at someone else’s home… even if I have been doing it for years… but I made it through … without hurting any feelings, though Matty never takes it personal 🙂 The thing I love is that Matty, does not let me feel awkward about my OCD, he talks openly about it … which helps me feel like it’s not this big elephant in the room.
Then toward, the end of my night out when I was getting ready to go home, the anxiety/panic started, as usual … because I knew by time I would get home, everyone else would be in bed. Which means, it would be solely up to me to make sure all the windows/Doors/ stove was locked up and turned off for the night, and that I was the last one in the house. Even though, all of the windows are closed and the stove is off… I can’t get the thought, that it wasn’t done right out of my head! This is always the biggest issue of the day for me, I hate the feeling like everyones lives are in my hands! Like if I don’t lock the door properly, someone will get in and hurt everyone I love. I hate this feeling! Though, I know locking the door once is enough, I just can’t stop, counting. In the middle of a ritual, all I can think about is when is this going to end, when is it going to be perfect enough .
By the time I was done counting/tapping, almost two hours had passed, and I was an emotional mess. I went to my bedroom to get ready for bed, and realized I had forgot something in the kitchen, and I couldn’t just let it go… so I went back and going back means the rituals of checking and counting everything start again! By the time I was in bed I was crying and praying I would just fall asleep fast, so my mind could just let go ….