I've never been on this website before, and i'm not entirely sure i am using it correctly. I needed somewhere to externalize my thoughts and feelings though. I know deep down that i am an alcoholic. I'm a closet alcoholic. I go buy alcohol and hide it around the house and step away to drink it. It started as just partying as a teen, maybe once a month or so. Then at 17 i would sneak alcohol from my parents. I fell into a deep depression and tried to kill myself twice, both while drinking. I spend several weeks in a hospital and was in therapy for years after. I lost all my friends but made new ones. I spent a year sober basically because i had to. I was underage, under lockdown at my parents house, and had no friends with connections for alcohol. I didn't even consider the idea that alcohol was my problem at that point. I made more friends and continued to party with them. Then i started stealing beers whenever i was at parties. I was still underage and wanted to just go home and get trashed alone. So i would go out for a while, drink as much as i could in an hour or so, ahove as much alcohol as i could in my purse without anyone noticing, then go home and get drunk alone. Then i got a fake id. I was working as a manager at a store in the mall, ans i would buy a bottle on the way home from work and just drink alone every night. Then i would go out and get food from some fast food place. Eventually i took the drinking and driving too far and got arrested. I blacked out. Someone called the cops on me because i was swerving and hitting the curb over and over again. When the police found me i was on a neighborhodd road driving backwards about 2mph with the door wide open. The cop couldn't even conduct a sobriety test because i couldn't stand up. I spent the next two years "sober." I rarely drank and when i did it honestly didn't become a problem. I turned 21 in those two years and just enjoyed ordering a beer with dinner. I was putting all my energy into exercise and getting in shape, so i think that helped me get out of my alcohol addiction. BUT that was short lived. Moved away, across the country, with my boyfriend at the time, who is now my husband. This was two years ago. When we moved we would drink on the weekends, very heavily. We would share a 12 pack and just get wasted. Then i started buying extra beers or wine that he didn't know about, and i would just sneak away and chug them when i went to the bathroom. Well all of this wreckless behavior resulted in a pregnancy, so i stopped everything immediately for the sake of my unborn child. I spent 10 months completely sober and it was the happiest time of my life. When my child was a month old i had my first beer. Then over 3 months it just continued to escalate. I'd have 2 instead of one, etc. well he is now 6 months old and i am drinking a bottle of wine a night. My husband knows something is up but hasn't said anything yet. I know how fucking obvious i am being but i cannot control myself. I hate myself. I look at my son and i just hate myself. I noticed my father hiding and sneaking alcohol the same exact way i do back when i was a teen. Now here i am doing the same thing. I have to stop or my son has no hope. I have to be a good mother. I just hate myself for even having a taste of alcohol after pregnancy. I find myself wanting to become pregnant again because i want to go back to being happy, but in reality i know it is because i was sober. I joined a small gym and hired a personal trainer. Focusing on exercise and health has helped me in the past, so i am hoping for a similar outcome. I was also put on zoloft for post partum depression and i am hoping that will help as well. I just feel so low. I have been sober for only a few hours now and i know the cravings will strike soon. I just have to fight through them somehow. My son will not have an alcoholic for a mother, the cycle has to end with me.